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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28539396">Keep Me Wild. I'll Keep Your Heart Safe.</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tati402/pseuds/Tati402'>Tati402</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Wilds (TV 2020)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst and Feels, Eventual Smut, F/F, F/M, Four years after the island, Happy Ending, Slow Burn</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-04</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 22:40:21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>24,723</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28539396</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tati402/pseuds/Tati402</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Four years after the island, Toni is living with Dot and Fatin in LA. Shelby is back home in Texas under her father's beliefs and expectations. Marty, Leah Rachel and Nora all attending collage spread out all over the states. That's where this story begins.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Shelby Goodkind/Toni Shalifoe</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>111</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>526</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. CHAPTER ONE - Toni</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Disclaimers.<br/>- English is not my first language, so there might be grammar mistakes. Please be free to point them out. It only helps me improve.<br/>-I love these characters. I hope I do them justice.<br/>-Everyone is alive but not unharmed. Even though I think one of Nora or Marty might die on the show, I didn't have the heart to do it, I prefer living in obliviousness.<br/>-I'm not a writer. I'm doing the best I can atm and learning as much as I can about it, so please be patient with me. If you have any pointers or ways I can improve please let me know. All criticism is more than welcomed. I'm also open to have a few betas if anyone is interested, let me know.<br/>-Scene breaks are marked with eight * one for each girl. Aww how sweet of me. (sorry Jeanette I liked you but you went too soon.)<br/>-Comments and Kudos are like hugs to my soul. Just saying. ☺☺♥♥<br/>-I can't promise quick updates because it takes me a little bit of time, with the language thing. But I'll try to post weekly.<br/>-Finally, Season 2 is confirmed!!! woohoo can't wait. that's why this fandom needs more fanfics!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <h1>1</h1><p>
  <em>
    <strong>~ t o n i ~</strong>
  </em>
</p><p> </p><p>Toni tapped her fingers against the booth’s table while she glanced around the place in search of her friend. The harsh color lights flickered in different rhythms, blinding her and casting hues of pink, blue, and purple on the mass of sweaty bodies, swaying and bumping against one another to the music. The hotspot in LA was like a love child between a good'ol pub and a nightclub. Booths lined up against the front wall next to huge dark windows allowing her to see the growing line of people outside waiting to get in but kept those on the line from peeking inside. On the far corner, there was a game section with pool tables, darts, and TVs playing different sports, while the middle of the place, between the booths and the bar, acted as a dancefloor. The air was stale. A nauseating mix of sweat, alcohol and fried food.</p><p>Leave it to Fatin to drag her to a place like this. <em>What was I thinking?</em></p><p>These days, being surrounded by people made Toni feel suffocated. It's not like she’d ever been a social butterfly, but after all the shit that went down over the past four years, the simplest task like going to the store brought unwelcomed attention to her. They’ve been victims of a petty woman’s experiment, but to those outside “The unbreakable 8” -as they were referred to- they were heroes. The ones to unite and conquer and help put an end to the cruelty of Gretchen Klein, a self-proclaimed feminist that left eight seventeen-year-olds stranded on a deserted island to work through their emotional traumas under an unforgiving environment. All to prove the superiority of a matriarchal society, going to unthinkable extremes with little regard for the repercussion. They’d survived, but not unscratched. They’d escaped the subsequent confinement of a bunker where they were played like puppets by researchers masked as FBI agents; there, only to help them through the trauma the island supposedly left them, undermining them and not noticing the girls were the ones playing the bigger game.</p><p>“Dude, I think we lost Fatin.” Dot said, speaking loud enough to be heard over the blasting music, bringing Toni out of her daze. “Who takes thirty minutes to get fucking drinks?” She stretched her neck as if in doing so, she could actually see beyond the sea of bodies. She looked back at Toni with a deep frown painted on her face. “Maybe we should go get her, strength in numbers and all that shit.”</p><p>Toni understood Dot’s unspoken worry. Everything was made public after their escape. TV coverage, news articles, social media, their faces were plastered everywhere. The investigation, the trial and the multitude of lawsuits that followed lasted over two years, keeping them on the front pages. Everyone wanted a piece of them. Answers to stupid questions, a behind the scene undisclosed snippet, not that there were many after the trial. Some even asked for pictures or autographs. Most times, people went a little overboard and although it’d been a year and a half since the end of the law process and the news coverage had ended, people still recognized and approached them. To a lesser extent? Yes. But with the same overwhelming intensity.</p><p>Toni smiled, hoping to reassure her friend. “Nah, she knows the owner. She’s probably busy flirting with him and forgot about us. Plus, this place is fucking packed.”</p><p>Dot scrunched up her nose. “Why are we here again?”</p><p>Toni chuckled and leaned back against the sticky leather of the booth. The AC unit doing a very poor job to freshen up the place. “I don’t know,” she shrugged, “because Fatin wouldn’t shut up about it?”</p><p>Dot chuckled and resumed the task of spotting the lanky brunette. “Speaking of the party animal.” She nodded towards the crowd and Toni followed her gaze.</p><p>Fatin fought her way out of the last line of sweaty bodies, protecting the drinks against her chest, careful enough not to ruin her expensive white lacy top. On one hand, she held a fancy pink drink with an umbrella on top, on the other, she balanced two beers gripping the bottlenecks in between her fingers.</p><p>When she finally stepped out of the crowd, she gave them a huge triumphant grin and stretched her arms, striking a pose. “Miss me bitches?”</p><p>“Fucking finally.” Dot reached out to help Fatin with the beers before setting back in place. “What took you so long? Were you brewing these?”</p><p>After pulling the hem of her ridden up black sequin miniskirt, Fatin sat next to Toni, bumping Toni's butt with hers, demanding space. “Actually, Leah called. I had to step out to the back patio to answer,” Fatin said, and smirked before adding, “and, I might’ve got caught up working to secure mamma some D for the night.”</p><p>That made them laugh. Fatin being unapologetically her, not giving a damn about what others might think or say about her. A quality that both Toni and Dot shared with her, but maybe without the enormous confidence Fatin also carried.</p><p>Toni shook her head, still chucking. “You’re unbelievable.” She reached for one beer sitting in the table center and brought it closer to her, the cool drops of condensation refreshing her heated skin.</p><p>“I know.” Fatin said and bumped her shoulder with Toni’s which made her roll her eyes.</p><p>God, she loved these girls. On the island, she’d clicked instantly with these two, or at least she hadn’t felt the urge to kill them the first few days when she’d still struggled to control her anger. It was a lot more than what she could claim about some of the others. One Texan girl in particular.</p><p>Dot grabbed her beer, ready to take her first sip but stop midway and sent a murderous look to Fatin. “Ow! What did you fucking kicked me for?” She reached down under the table, surly to rub the spot Fatin had apparently kicked.</p><p>“Don’t be fucking rude, you can’t drink yet. We need to make toast first.” Fatin reached for her own fruity drink, then she held it in the air in front of her, motioning to the others to follow suit, which they did not without sharing an eye roll first.</p><p>“To our tiny broody lesbian on fucking finally being of legal age to enjoy a drink outside the four walls of the house!” The tall brunette set her gaze on Toni, beaming with such warmth in her dark eyes that made Toni’s heart grow a few sizes in adoration. “Happy birthday, girl! We love you.”</p><p>“Cheers to that!” Dot replied and smiled as they clinked their drinks. “Happy birthday, brat.”</p><p>Toni smirked, bowing her head as heat rose to her cheeks, hoping it would go unnoticed to avoid the teasing nature of her friends. They never missed a beat when a teasing opportunity arose. <em>Jerks!</em> “Thanks” she muttered and took a sip of her beer, welcoming the cooling effect and bitter aftertaste the IPA left on its trail.</p><p>She didn’t enjoy being the center of attention, and in all honesty, she’d never cared much for her birthdays. With her mother in and out of rehab and her father a no show since day one, her childhood was far from normal. Jumping from one foster home to the next, wishing it would be safe enough there. All she’d ever cared during those days was food, a roof over her head, and surviving. Asking to be celebrated on her birthdays seemed a bit of a stretch. Marty -her best friend and only constant in her life- always had pushed and encouraged her to do something on that day. A dinner, a sleepover or a silly movie just between the two of them. Whatever it was, Toni appreciated her friend for it and agreed to it only because she knew it’d made Martha happy.</p><p>Fatin laughed with Dot about something happening on the dancefloor that Toni didn’t catch. She tapped on Fatin's wrist to get her attention. “What did Leah say?” she asked.</p><p>“Oh! She’s thinking about visiting for a few weeks during summer break next month” Fatin grinned, biting her lower lip and waggled her eyebrows. Those two together meant trouble, the good kind of trouble. It also meant a lot of sleepless nights and hangovers.  </p><p>“Also, she tried to call you, but of course, your phone went straight to voicemail so, she asked me to wish you a happy birthday and make sure you charge your fucking phone once in a while. She’ll call you again, tomorrow.”</p><p>“Dude, you and phones!” Dot said, chuckling and shaking her head in amusement. Or was it disbelief?</p><p>“I know, I never find the stupid charger!” She crossed her arms and turned to glare at Fatin, “I wonder why is that? I always leave it plugged in behind my nightstand, and <em>somehow</em> it goes missing and I can’t seem to find it anywhere.”</p><p>“Sorry?” Fatin smiled the fakest smile on her arsenal and batted her long eyelashes while tapping her index finger on Toni’s forearm a few times before drawing random patterns, a move she always used to tame Toni when she got angry over something Fatin did. It always worked; she couldn’t stay mad at her.</p><p>Toni rolled her eyes as Dot laugh at their stupidity. “Whatever.” She took another sip of the god sent beer. “My phone died while I was facetiming with Marty. She wanted a day-to-day detail of what we’ve been up to, as always. It drained my battery.”</p><p>Dot and Fatin burst out laughing. Facetime with Marty always pertained of a thousand questions and then some. She was back home in Minnesota attending college. When Toni decided to move to LA with Dot and Fatin after her 18<sup>th</sup> birthday, they made a rule to always Facetime at least once a week. If they were around, the other two always jumped in on the call as well.</p><p>“Oh, I can’t believe we missed Marty time.” Dot said.</p><p>Fatin pouted. “How is it going with real life Marcus? I missed the latest chapter of my favorite romance Telenovela.”</p><p>Toni chuckled. As close as she was with Marty, as much as they shared with each other, when it came to love, Fatin was the confidant, the love adviser for her. Sometimes the sex therapist as well, a bonus Marty never asked for but got, regardless. Toni gladly stepped out of the way; love was not her forte. It was something she’d tried two times, and both occasions left her with a broken heart and even more trust issues. <em>No, thank you.</em></p><p>“It's going well, still head over heels or whatever. He seems to treat her right, and she’s happy. That’s all I care about.”</p><p>Dot scoffed. “Of course, you do! You are the love Grinch. Ms. Casual, I don’t date, I just fuck.”</p><p>“Speaking of fucking,” Fatin draped her arm over Toni’s shoulder, bringing her closer, “there’s a cute redhead that’s been sending you heated looks ever since we got here. You might wanna add her to your booty call list. She’s fucking hot.”</p><p>Toni glanced over to the direction Fatin was looking. At the same time, Dot whirled around on her seat to gawk as well. <em>Talk about discretion. Smooth, Dot. Smooth</em>.</p><p>Fatin was right. Dressed in a tight army green dress that clung perfectly to delicious curves with legs for days. Her pale skin contrasted her wavy auburn hair, falling perfectly over her shoulders and framing a freckled covered beautiful face. The girl was absolutely gorgeous.</p><p>When her eyes reached the girl’s face, she was looking back at Toni. The goddess in green waved her fingers and winked playfully at her with a look in her eyes that screamed lust and guaranteed fun, maybe a savage night. Toni gave her a tight smile and looked away.</p><p>It was hard to meet new people. In her experience, most girls always wanted something in return. Whether it was the opportunity to claim they've slept with one of the unbreakable eight, or they wanted more than what Toni was willing to give, or asked too many questions she didn’t care to answer. Toni was always clear about her intentions with every casual partner -not that she had an army of those, but still. She didn’t do relationships, and she didn’t do friends with benefits either, not after a few bad experiences. The line with that arrangement was always blurry. What did the friendship part entitle, anyway? Were they supposed to hang out outside the four walls of a bedroom? Share their deepest darkest secrets; hopes and dreams? Nah, it always resulted in conflicted emotions and someone ended up hurt.</p><p>Toni took a few gulps of her beer. She couldn’t deny the temptation was there, but one thing the island experience gave her was control over her impulses. “She’s hot, I give you that. But I’m not interested.”</p><p>“Oh, come on! I’m even tempted to go there, drag her out of here and have my way with her!" Fatin said. When Toni quirked up a single eyebrow and Dot didn't react in shock either, Fatin defended herself. "Although I enjoyed my fair share of experiments with girls back in the day, I love dick too much to choose pussy over some good D. Though you queer folks definitively know your way around a woman’s body.” She raised her glass in a mocking toast. After a brief silence, she continued. “What a better birthday gift than a nice luxurious red carpet?”</p><p>Toni glanced at Dot, who mirrored her confused frown before staring back at Fatin. She took another sip of beer while she waited for Fatin to expand on the idea.</p><p>Fatin rolled her eyes and threw a hand in the air in frustration, as if her joke was obvious. “She looks like a natural redhead, I’m sure it matches with the curtains.”</p><p>Toni choked, almost expelling like a whale the mouthful of beer through both blowholes. Dot threw her head back and let what sounded like an inhuman howl rip from her throat. Fatin laughed proudly at her own joke -which made Toni adore the girl even more- flashing back and forth between the other two.</p><p>With the back of her hand, Toni wiped from her chin a trail of the drink that’d managed to sneak out. “Man, you’re funny.” She shook her head. “As I said, I’m not interested. I got that covered, and it’s the perfect arrangement to ensure minimum drama.”   </p><p>“Eva?” Dot asked, raising both brows and glancing to Fatin, sharing a knowing look Toni couldn’t decipher.</p><p>“Yeah, Eva.” Toni responded with a mocking tone. The girls didn’t like Eva -she knew that much- but it didn’t matter to her. She wasn’t searching for their approval of a fuck buddy that spent only a few hours at their place when the need to get laid arouse. It was only that, a quick fuck. “She’s perfect. She’s good in the sack, kinky as fuck. She doesn’t ask questions or asks for more. She understands what our little arrangement is because she’s like me, she doesn’t do relationships. We keep things open and communication clear. I stay out of her business and she stays out of mine. She leaves the second we are done and doesn’t expect me to stay the night either. It’s perfect!”</p><p>Dot and Fatin shared that same annoying look, again. What was that all about? <em>Fuckers!</em></p><p>“Toni, babe,” Fatin shook her head. “you’re so oblivious sometimes. That girl is so into you that is getting hard to be around her. It makes me want to give her a hug and make her a tea or something.”</p><p>Toni scoffed. It was <em>so</em> not the case with Eva. It couldn’t be. They’ve been sleeping together for over a year. If that were the case, surely Eva would’ve said something about it or just ended things before it got complicated. Sure, Toni wasn’t dead inside, even though their only connection was sexual, she cared about Eva, but not enough to give in and date her. “You don’t know what you’re talking about. Eva is even more afraid of commitment than me.”</p><p>“I’m with Fatin on this one.” Dot said. When Toni tried to argue, Dot held up a hand telling her to shut it. “Eva is definitely head over heels for you. So much so, that she takes whatever little you give her if it means having a part of you instead of pushing for more and losing you over it.”</p><p>Toni paused. It was pointless to argue about something the other two didn’t know shit about. Eva lived alone, so most of the time that’s where they spent their limited time. Outside of their hookups, they never hangout let alone with the others. Fatin and Dot were drawing conclusions based on what? The handful of times each month Eva was at their place? The three words she’d exchanged with either of them on her way out? Ridiculous, that was what it was. <em>Way to bring me down on my birthday</em>. Anger management had its limits and, on this subject, hers was very narrow and fast approaching.</p><p>Fatin placed a hand on Toni’s thigh, squeezing it once. “Look, we know you don’t want to talk about this. We just want to see you happy. You’re like the most romantic person I know, even if you hide it well. We know you, we’ve seen you in love. You deserve the very best and nothing less. Someone capable of giving you everything you give to them and more. Now, I’m not saying Eva could be it, but you might want to consider opening your heart a bit. Who knows? Maybe your dream girl is waiting around the corner, but you are too damn afraid to see it.”</p><p>Toni’s heart dropped to her stomach. She wanted love, although she wouldn’t admit it to others, but it wasn’t worth the pain it caused. People left, that’s what they always did. Her own parents didn’t love her enough to stick around for her. When people got bored, or she became too much to handle, too damaged to deserve love, they ran away as fast as they could. It’d happened time and time again.</p><p>She looked from Fatin to Dot, who nodded in agreement. <em>So that was what those looks they’d shared were about</em>. As gently as she could, she grabbed Fatin’s hand and removed it from her lap, squeezing it once before placing it back on Fatin’s own lap. “If you two are done with the offhand intervention and don’t mind, I would love to drop it and move on. Let me enjoy the rest of the night without the therapy session.”</p><p>After a moment Fatin smiled. “You’re right. Sorry. It’s your birthday. You’re fucking 21, we should get you drunk!” She snapped Toni’s beer from the table, shook it, and then lifted it to eye level. “You’re running low. I’ll go by us another round.”</p><p>********</p><p>The rest of the night ran smoothly. They had a few drinks and kept the conversation light. Teasing and joking around, laughing and enjoying each other’s company. Soon, all the background noise of the place, the few curious eyes that landed on their booth, all the problems running around in Toni’s mind and the anxiety of being surrounded by so many people, faded into nothing. It was just the three of them, having a nice night out.</p><p>As they walked back the sixteen blocks to their house, Toni remained silent. Too tired, too buzzed, and too up in her head to take part in whatever conversation Dot and Fatin were having. Not that they talked much either. It was a beautiful late spring night. The breeze perfect. Not too warm to bother and cold enough to help Toni sober up a bit. The sky was clear without a cloud in sight, full of barely noticeable stars with the stupid city lights polluting and diminishing their power.</p><p>Admiring the stars had always soothed Toni. Back in Minnesota whenever she felt angry, frustrated or sad, she'd find a quiet place outside and lose track of time contemplating those powerful sparkling lights. It comforted her knowing no matter where life took her, no matter what placement the social worker found for her next or even the times she’d escaped her foster home, those lights would follow and stay with her, guiding the way and keeping her company. On the island, without a single artificial human-created light around, the stars seemed to multiply by a million. It was a sight to behold. So fucking breathtaking. Nothing would ever compare to that view.</p><p>Toni silently sighed and rolled her eyes. How messed up was that?</p><p>Her mind went back to memories of the island almost every day. Shouldn’t be those days hard to revisit? Why did she always found comfort and happiness when thinking about that place? Guilt and shame washed over her. She felt like a freak who couldn’t grasp the magnitude of what they went through. The thing is, the island had changed the reality she was living. It took her out of a bad situation with a bleak future ahead. Also, it added six new important people to her desolated life.</p><p>Within their time stranded on the island, the eight of them had created an unbreakable bond. They all had their demons, like every other human. They were vastly different people, yet they all had something in common, resilience. The need for survival made them push through their issues. Sure, sometimes they wanted to kill each other, but learned to work together as a well-oiled machine. They protected one another while being oblivious to doing so. They’d found a community. They found support and developed a bond that would never break. Not entirely. Even now, being miles apart in different parts of the country.</p><p>No one but them would ever understand what they went through. No one would understand them without thinking of them as damaged or crazy. The experience on the island had changed them forever, not because of the trauma that inflicted -which it was; traumatic- but because the freedom they felt there. They grew into better, more centered people. They found each other. They found themselves. Being disconnected from everything, put their real life problems in perspective. Credit to fucking Gretchen. Her little experiment had worked wonders for them and their development. Although they would never admit it to others, or even talk about it among themselves, it was an unspoken fact.</p><p>All-consuming anger, striving for unrealistic perfection and dealing with trusted upon beliefs, overwhelming responsibilities, the pressure of belonging in a cruel society with unbelievable standards, trying to mend and piece together a broken heart over the loss of that first love. It all became like children's games compared to the sole focus of surviving. Of staying alive with scarce resources, without shelter, completely exposed. Vulnerable to unforgiving natural conditions without a way out. She still could feel the sun piercing through her skin. The unbearable dryness of her lips and mouth. Hunger so big it seemed like the brain triggered a defense mechanism to make her forget about it. It made her -at some point, stop feeling the heavy emptiness on her stomach, until food was presented in front of her and then everything went to hell and the feeling came back.</p><p>Often, she wondered where she’d be now had that experience never happened. Homeless? Following her addict mother's steps? With nothing to her name, fresh out of a system that abandoned kids as soon as they aged out.</p><p>It didn’t matter now. The lawsuits had left them with a heavily loaded bank account. Everything she’d ever worried about was taken care of with something as shallow as money was. It had been a necessity most of her life. Food, a bed to sleep at night, money to go to the doctor in case of an emergency were things she’d never took for granted growing up. Now she didn’t have to waste a second worrying about it, and she felt a bit lost. Completely stuck in life, not knowing what came next or what to do. For the first time in her life, getting by wasn’t what motivated her. Neither did money.</p><p>She lived in a beautiful house by the beach in a great neighborhood with two of her best friends. She had a great medical insurance, a pantry stocked with enough food to feed a small village, and enough money to sit back and enjoy the rest of her life without having to work a single day. <em>Boring!</em> That wasn’t her, she wasn’t a 'sit back and enjoy' type of gal. Toni wanted to do something meaningful with her money. She’d made a few donations to kids organizations over the last two years, but she had this nagging gut feeling she was given the money to do more with it. What? She didn’t know. <em>A thought for another time</em>. Now she needed to put that aside and focus on finishing the sports center project she’d been working on for the past six months.</p><p>Fatin grabbed her arm for support as she tripped over a loose sidewalk tile, bringing Toni back to reality. “Fuck!” she glared at the cement object.</p><p>Dot laughed hysterically, her eyes watering. “Are you sure you’re ok?” she asked Fatin. “First you refuse to leave with the guy you’ve been chasing after for weeks to go home with us, and now you lost all ability to walk properly.”</p><p>They were only a block away from the house.</p><p>“Well, I couldn’t leave my parents to walk home alone at night. What kind of daughter would that make me?” Fatin put her arms over Dot's and Toni’s shoulders in a loving side hug, her height gave her the advantage over the other two. “Admit it. You’d be lost without me.”</p><p>Toni chuckled and set her gaze on Fatin. “Yeah, yeah. Like we are supposed to pretend that you don’t enjoy the chasing game as much as you do sex?” She shook her head. A wicked smile appeared on Fatin’s lips as she dropped her arms to her side. Toni continued. “That poor dude spent half of the night giving you free drinks for the three of us, and all he got in return was some nice and shiny blue balls.”</p><p>Dot threw her head back laughing and Toni followed her, making eye contact behind Fatin’s head.</p><p>Her laughter died fast when Fatin snapped her arm over Toni’s stomach, stopping their stride and knocking the airflow out of her lungs. “What-”</p><p>“Guys look.” Fatin whispered. She pointed to a figure in the shadows in front of the gate of their house.</p><p>Toni couldn’t see very well. It was obvious it was a person squatted in the ground. Maybe sitting over something, with their elbows planted on their knees and their head hung low between their arms.</p><p>It wouldn't be the first time they came home to a homeless or drunk person sleeping there. A few times the police had to come over to move them from their gate.</p><p>Dot groaned. “Not again. Damn it!” They exchanged a few glances and slowly approached the bump in the shadows.</p><p>“Hey!” Dot said. “Can we help you?”</p><p>As soon as the person lifted their head, causing the street light to cast a weak light over their face, Toni’s heart wanted out. Hammering against her ribs and echoing in her head. Blonde hair in a messy bun, puffy irritated gorgeous green eyes, divine pink full lips that lifted at the corners in a soft smile…</p><p>“Hi there. I didn’t know where else to go.”

</p><p>… and a Texas twang Toni would recognize from miles away. A voice so soft and sweet it still hunted her every night.  </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. CHAPTER TWO - Shelby</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Warnings: First, please know my intentions are good. I don’t want to offend anyone with any subject this story might touch. I do some research before writing about things I really don’t know much about or thing I don’t have strong beliefs and I’m always willing to lean about different walks of life and educate myself.<br/>There is talk about mental health in this chapter and religion. And how those two interact. Also Shelby talks about her father, so there’s a subtext of homophobia nothing explicit or on the nose.<br/>********<br/>Please let me know if you see mistakes.<br/>And don't forget to say hi!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p> </p>
<h1>2</h1>
<p>
  <strong> <em>~ s h e l b y ~</em> </strong>
</p>
<p> </p>
<p>Shelby sat on top of her rashly packed bag as she waited for the for the girls to get there. She’d spent a good ten minutes poking the little metal button of the speaker, before giving up and accepting they weren’t home.</p>
<p>Her eyes stung so badly she didn’t know whether to close them or keep them open. Crying had been her only companion on her last-minute flight from Texas to LA. She was tired of it. Tired of absolutely everything. The judgmental eyes around town, the pressure, the harsh looks her daddy gave her. All that whispering when they thought she wasn’t around, making plans to clean her soul from the sins she’d committed and erase all temptation. Tired of questioning over and over everything she’d ever known to be true. Disconnected and bickering with her faith, feeling numb and completely lost, without a clue as to who she was without it. And most of all, exhausted of pretending to be someone she was not.</p>
<p>It was a prison and a death sentence. A place she needed to break away from and run for her life.</p>
<p>So she did. Without a second thought. She’d grabbed random items, tossed them in a bag, and left on the first plane to LA.</p>
<p>The life she lived wasn’t her own. It was her parents. Her daddy’s, especially. Pushing her to study a career in Religious Studies, probably thinking it would finish the job and smack the gay out of her.</p>
<p>Shelby cringed. She still had trouble with that world, not because she hadn’t come to terms with it, but about what it meant for her. Gay. She was gay. She often played with it in her mind to see how it tasted like. What it would feel like if she could just be brave enough to stand up for herself and say it out loud. And be proud.</p>
<p>Dear lord, wouldn’t that be a dream?</p>
<p>For years she’d been in a rollercoaster of emotions with it, denying it, hating it, feeling ashamed and broken. Hiding it, tripping over it, acting up on it, accepting it, loving the freedom it brought, and back to the start as soon as she’d gotten home. Back under the comfy foot of her daddy, and the safety of the leash he kept around her neck. She’d relented and accepted that even if her parents pressured her so much to bury it deep down and be normal -whatever normal was, bless their hearts- it’d never change who she truly was and she’d end up living the most unfulfilling life.</p>
<p>God, she’d tried so hard to do it. To bury it and live a normal, acceptable life. At least until she could get out of that place, terrified of what would happen if she didn’t. But it just wasn’t her, and she was miserable. Was it worth the risk? Staying just to play by the book and have her daddy’s seal of approval? Did she want to forgo her life and dreams -whatever those were- and keep playing that part to avoid disappointing them further? She hated disappointing them, but she hadn’t chosen to be like that, nor did she have control over it. It’s just… who she was.</p>
<p>Still, she loved them despite everything; they were her family. <em>I just wish it could be different. Easier. I wish they understood. </em></p>
<p>A wet trail on her cheeks took her by surprise. How did she have tears left to shed over this? <em>Lord</em>,<em> when is it going to stop?</em> She bowed her head and sniffled. It was getting late, almost 1 AM. <em>The girls could be back any minute now.</em></p>
<p>Her stomach fluttered at the thought. How would they react? If they were to ask her to leave and never come back, she wouldn’t fault them, honestly.</p>
<p>She drew a deep breath to calm her trembling hands. Positive thinking<em>.</em> They’d at least hear what she had to say, right? If only she knew what to say. Whatever it was, hopefully would help her mend their relationship. God, she missed them. Especially the girl she’d fallen for on that island.</p>
<p>She shut her eyes, causing them to hurt more and new salty drops to spill. Toni. Her birthday was today, well yesterday now. The girls must be out celebrating.</p>
<p>How would Toni react when she saw her? Had she missed her? Too many times, she thought about sending all those letters she wrote to her, only to chicken out in front of the post office door. The what ifs terrified her. What if Toni wrote back, and it landed on the wrong hands? What if she never wrote back? What if she did, and all it said was how much she hated her?</p>
<p>“Hey, can we help you?”</p>
<p>Her eyes shot open. Dottie. The fellow Texan accent couldn’t fool her. Slowly she looked up, as if a sudden movement might spook them away.</p>
<p>Her eyes dragged at a snail’s pace from three distinct pair of shoes - Biker boots, high heels, white Converse- to pants and a skirt and then t-shirt and tops. Finally, setting on the three faces she’d missed so much, one by one.</p>
<p>Her breath got caught in her throat when her eyes met Toni’s beautiful, confused ones. Did she recognize her? Was she mad? Or just shocked, but happy to see her? <em>Yeah, right! You wish.</em></p>
<p>She struggled to swallow the lump in her throat before speaking, forcing her voice to sound steady. “Hi there.”</p>
<p>Six eyes stared back at her stoically.</p>
<p>“I didn’t know where else to go,” she added a bit louder.</p>
<p>Silence. Heavy silence. She gulped.</p>
<p>It probably lasted a few seconds, but it seemed to linger in the air, weighing down on her for ages. <em>What are they thinking?</em></p>
<p>Fatin blinked a few times, her jaw dropping a little. “Oh, my god. Shelby?” She rushed over and kneeled in front of her. Her hands doing weird frantic motions in the air. An inch away from touching her, but stopping midway in search of a new invisible spot.</p>
<p>Shelby smiled shily and clasped those flapping hands with her own. “Sorry to drop unannounced on y'all. I just needed to get away of a while.” Her voice cracked at the end, fresh tears welling in her eyes. <em>Dammit!</em></p>
<p>“Of course! Oh my god, are you ok? I can’t believe you’re here!” Fatin erased one of those annoying drops with a finger and threw her arms around Shelby’s neck. A mix of sweet perfume, alcohol and a hint of cigarettes invading her nostrils. “How long have you been sitting here? What happened? Are you ok? Come on lets get you inside. Are you hungry?”</p>
<p>Shelby’s mind twirled. Too many questions she didn’t know she’d be able to answer. Still, Fatin continued to be the only member of the four to utter a word other than her.</p>
<p>She looked over Fatin’s shoulder. Dottie drifted towards them, frowning. No such luck with Toni, who remained nailed down in place looking at her with wide eyes and her brows knitted together.</p>
<p>If she hadn’t known Toni wasn’t there before, she would’ve thought it was a wax figure or something, with how still she stood. <em>She does not look pleased.</em></p>
<p>With the aid of Fatin’s arms, she got up to her feet and bent down to pick up her bag. By the time she stood tall, Dottie was next to her.</p>
<p>“Good to see you, Goodkind.” She punched lightly on her shoulder. “You look like crap.” Dottie eyes darted all over Shelby’s face and body, grimacing.</p>
<p>Shelby laughed. The first honest to God laugh in God knows how long. It felt good. Different. Human. “Sheesh, always a sweetheart, Dottie.”</p>
<p>Dot snickered and took the bag from her. “We better take this reunion inside, before it makes its way to social media.” She threaded her free arm with one of Shelby’s and pulled her past the slowly opening gate.</p>
<p>The front yard was massive. A mantle of trees acted as curtains on each side, adding to the privacy of the place. Well-groomed plants everywhere, and patio lanterns sticking out of the grass in different colors, framed the stone trail leading to the house. It was a beautiful place. Without her contacts, she could only make out the blurry shape of the house, but it looked huge, well-lit and a long way out.</p>
<p>Shelby looked over her shoulder, not surprised to find the other two standing where Toni had been all the time, deep in conversation. If only she could hear a snippet to know where their minds were. It didn’t look good.</p>
<p>Her chest tightened. The last thing she wanted was to make any of them uncomfortable. By the looks of it, only one seemed to struggle. If she could afford a hotel room for the night, she’d leave in a heartbeat to give Toni her space back. But she didn’t have any money apart from a couple of crumpled bills in her bag.</p>
<p>Dottie bumped her shoulder with hers, without hampering their steady stroll towards the house. “Don’t worry about her, ok?”</p>
<p>How could she not? She was the one invading their privacy after being an asshole to them. To <em>her</em>.</p>
<p>“Maybe this was a mistake. I shouldn't have dropped in on y’all like this. Clearly is not going well.”</p>
<p>“Stop, don’t be an idiot, I think she’s just surprised. I know <em>I</em> am.”</p>
<p>At the sound of the gate closing, their heads snapped back. Toni and Fatin were a few feet behind, walking the same trail to the house but keeping the distance intact. She could barely hear the clicking of Fatin’s heels against the stone.</p>
<p>After meeting Dottie’s gaze and sharing a tight smile, she bowed her head. Closing her eyes for a moment, she exhaled slowly, releasing a bit of the tension nested in her body with it. <em>At least</em> s<em>he didn’t leave.</em></p>
<p>“See? Surprised.” Leaning away to give Shelby a once-over, Dottie scoffed. “I mean sweats, a battered, stained shirt and pink Birkenstocks? I never thought I’d live to see the Texas pageant queen looking like shit.” After a beat she added, “extraneous circumstances notwithstanding.”</p>
<p>Shelby giggled, then sniffled. God, she could get used to it. To laugh freely and unforced. The sound, and how easily natural it came, surprised her. She had forgotten how amazing it felt. She’d missed that side of her.</p>
<p>With all the emotions inside overwhelming her, she pulled Dottie towards her, clasping Dottie’s hand with hers, and smiled. “Thank you, Dottie.”</p>
<p>Dottie looked back at her in confusion, so she continued. “For everything, I know I have a lot to apologize for, and a lot to explain.” She sighed, shaking her head and searching for the right words to convey everything she felt. “I mean… Lord, you could’ve sent me away, and you would’ve had every right to do so. But you didn’t, and here you are, making me feel better. I just… Thank you.”</p>
<p>“Ugh, don’t get mushy on me. The night is still young. I’m sure you’ll do something to piss me off and I’ll end up kicking your ass to the curb.”</p>
<p>She smiled again. Something felt different about Dottie. She looked exactly the same as she did all those years ago. Same hair length, cut just above her shoulders. Same style. Same perfect simplicity. But something in her eyes, in the way she laughed and acted, seemed different. More lighthearted, younger and free. Like a weight had been lifted off her shoulders.</p>
<p>It made her a bit jealous. She wanted that-whatever it was. And maybe she was in the right place with the right people for it. For the first time in years, she allowed herself to be optimistic about her future. <em>It’ll be ok. This is a good start. Everything is going to work out just fine.</em></p>
<p>She tightened her grip on Dottie. “Yeah, I’m sure I’ll figure something out.”</p>
<p> </p>
<p>********</p>
<p>“Here you go.” Dot placed a mug of freshly brewed coffee on the wooden kitchen table in front of her.</p>
<p>Shelby rounded the mug with shaking hands, thankful to have something to hold on to and relishing in the comfort the warmth brought. “Thanks.” She muttered.</p>
<p>The scented steam rising from the cup grounded her, but also it caused her stomach to turn. Now that they were settled, and the distractions were out of the way, it was her time to talk and she wasn’t ready for it.</p>
<p>No one had said a word since stepping inside the house. Dottie had led her straight to the kitchen with the other two following. With her heart pounding madly inside her chest, and her mind running a thousand different ways, she hadn’t even had the time to inspect her surroundings. Just asking her brain to keep her feet moving without tumbling to the ground was a tall order.</p>
<p>Buying some time, she took a sip of the coffee and glanced around, feeling the piercing intensity of scrutinizing eyes on her. The bright light above her head reflected on the white cabinets of the kitchen, adding to the feeling of this being an interrogation. Dottie sat to her right and Fatin to her left, each of them with a coffee as well. Toni leaned against the bar in the far corner that separated the kitchen from the dining room -apparently insisting on keeping a safe distance between them- nursing a scotch in one hand, with her free arm protectively over her stomach. Her eyes trained on her white converse, looking like she’d rather be anywhere else but there. <em>Jesus, look at me!</em> <em>Say something!</em> She still hadn’t said a word. It was unnerving. Lord, how she wished she could hear that hoarse voice that made her knees turn to jelly. Even if what it came out of those lips was just trash directed to her, she would take it.</p>
<p>“So, wanna tell us what happened?” Fatin said, causing her eyes to leave Toni and her head to turn towards Fatin, who stared at her with apprehension. “I mean, don’t get me wrong I’m happy you’re here, but I’d be lying if I said I was expecting to hear from you again.” After a pause she asked, “what’s going on, Shelby?”</p>
<p>Shelby straightened her back and took a deep breath. It did little to calm her rapid heartbeat. The anticipation was killing her. How much was she willing to tell? There was so much she needed to explain, so much she’d gone through, but their reaction terrified her. Letting her guard down and being vulnerable in front of others wasn’t something she was used to. It would allow people to peek inside the darkest parts of her life, witnessing the mess she truly was behind that mask of perfection and how harsh her father’s hand could be. But they deserved honesty. If she wanted to mend things and for them to understand her, she couldn’t hide behind farfetched excuses.</p>
<p>
  <em>If this a clean slate for me, I need to do this right no matter how hard it is. It might be my only chance.</em>
</p>
<p>She shook herself out of her thoughts and glanced at the girls, overwhelmed. “I’m sorry, I don’t even know where to begin.” She bit her bottom lip to keep new tears from escaping. <em>Jesus fucking Christ, why can’t I hold it together for one fucking minute?</em></p>
<p>When the dam broke, she buried her head in her hands, kneading her eyes with the heels, before sliding them to the back of her neck. “I’m such a mess, I’m so sorry. Y’all shouldn’t have to deal with this. I just… I didn’t know where else to go.”</p>
<p>Fatin placed a comforting hand on her forearm, stroking the skin there with her thumb. “Hey, is just us. I mean… we’ve seen you go all 2007 Britney on us, remember? I think is safe to say you can tell us anything. No judgment over here whatsoever.”</p>
<p>It was true. For so long she’d felt alone, holding everything inside with no one to talk about it. If there was someone she could confide in, it would be these girls who’d seen her go through so much and helped her through it instead of just judging.</p>
<p>Looking up, she sucked in a deep breath, gathering the courage to speak. <em>Get it over with, trust them. </em>“I guess I should start by apologizing to y’all. I should’ve reached out sooner. But I just couldn’t, I mean… I...” She huffed. It was getting harder to straighten her thoughts, some things she wasn’t ready to talk about, and what she could talk about was all knotted in her brain. She just couldn’t sort it out. “There was so much going on and I know I should’ve tried harder, but I was afraid and-”</p>
<p>“Shelby, angel. Slow down. You’re all over the place. It’s ok. Just breathe and start from the beginning.”</p>
<p>Dot grabbed her hand. “Hey you know you don’t have to tell us shit, right? At least not right now if you don’t want to. Maybe taking a break and sleeping it off would help.”</p>
<p>“No, I need to do this. I want to.” She owed them that much.</p>
<p>Out of the corner of her eye she could see Toni staring at her, but she fought against the urge to meet those eyes, afraid if she did, they wouldn’t stay with her. Afraid of what she might find there.</p>
<p>Again, she scolded her shallow breathing and closed her eyes for a moment to calm down, repeating her new found mantra. <em>It’ll be alright.</em></p>
<p><em>Just go for it.</em> “I guess I thought it would be different, you know? After everything that happened to us, I was just glad to go back home, to be free and have some sort of normality back until I could figure what to do with it.” She scoffed. “God, how naïve of me to think this time things would be different. But it was like everything I left behind before the island was put on hold, waiting for me to get back. The pressure was there; the expectations were the same, but I wasn’t, not even close. It became too much to handle. I felt so trapped. My parents thought it would be better for me to stay inside, away from the judgment of people for a while.” <em>Or maybe they were too embarrassed to have their perfect little child parading around town with a wobbling leg and a bald head.</em> “I was disconnected from everything. They took my phone and my computer to shield me from all the news and the attention we were getting. They kept me away from anything and <em>everyone</em> connecting me to that place to keep me safe, but it broke me completely and I just… I lost it.”</p>
<p>She glanced quickly between Dottie and Fatin that still had their hands on her, focusing on every word. When she met Toni’s gaze, she saw the rage in those eyes. Her jaw was set and her nostrils flaring. It set a fire in her stomach. She wanted for all of them to understand, but most of all she needed Toni to know how sorry she was, how little choice she’d had on everything that happened. <em>Just keep going. I’ll be alright.</em></p>
<p>“I was in a real dark place. I was suffocating. It all came crashing down fast. I often overheard my parents talking about what people around town were saying, not that I cared that much, but even my parents treated me like I was damaged goods. I hated it, I needed to out of there, but I couldn’t.” Out of habit, she reached with a shaky hand for her necklace, seeking comfort, but all she found was skin. <em>Right. </em>Quickly she dropped her hand, not wanting to draw attention to it, and gripped the hem of her shirt instead. "I stated having panic attacks, I couldn’t leave the house. Lord, I couldn’t even leave my room. And I felt so fucking alone in everything. I couldn’t talk to my parents about it, it... I couldn’t.”</p>
<p>Memories of Becca flashed in her head, that last conversation on the porch of her house, how she’d turned her back on her best friend after saying horrible things to her, blaming her for everything, when Becca had tried to help <em>her</em> and be supportive. All to save her ass. It was her fault, and that still ate her alive. <em>Funny how everything you give comes back around. I deserve everything that happened and more.</em></p>
<p>The tears kept flowing unrestrained. She stopped fighting them; it was pointless. Fatin kept running her knuckles on her cheeks from time to time to get rid of them.</p>
<p>After sniffling, she grabbed the paper towel Dottie held for her and continued. “My mom found me on the kitchen floor one day. I was having a terrible panic attack. I couldn’t breathe my entire body felt numb. I thought I was dying. I hadn’t had one so intense up to that point, and I couldn’t snap out of it. I couldn’t even verbalize what was happening to me. She freaked out and called 911. When they came I already felt better, but as soon as they started attending me and asking questions my anxiety spiked, I didn’t want my parents to find out what was happening to me. I was afraid of what they might think of me.”</p>
<p>Immediately she realized she’d said too much. Glancing to the girls she could clearly see the effect of her words had on them. Toni’s clenched fist. Dottie pressed lips holding back comments and confusion with a hint of anger dancing in Fatin’s eyes.</p>
<p>She needed to explain, to make them understand why. “I mean, mental health issues aren’t talked about. Not in my world. There’s like a stigma around it. Some see it as a weakness and I knew my daddy’s view on it. I grew up with his beliefs. So, I didn’t want to tell them. I’ve seen how people react to it up close and it’s not pretty.”</p>
<p>Dottie leaned back in her chair, staring at Shelby with wide eyes as if something had clicked for her. “Shit, I forgot. You and Becca Gilroy were friends, weren’t you?”</p>
<p>At the mention of her friend, her throat constricted uncomfortably. Lost in her retell of everything, the fact that Dottie was from her town, from her school, fleeted from her brain<em>.</em></p>
<p>“Who’s Becca?” Fatin asked.</p>
<p>She never talked about what happened with Becca. With anyone. It was so difficult for her to even think about it. The last thing she wanted now was to start that conversation.</p>
<p>Ignoring Fatin’s question, she kept her eyes locked with Dottie’s, pleading silently for her not to answer either.</p>
<p>“No one you need to know about.” Dottie answered, still holding her gaze.</p>
<p>Shelby gave her a shy smile of appreciation.</p>
<p>“Ok?” Fatin said, dragging the letters. “That wasn’t weird at all. And just so you know, I’m not even going to acknowledge all that religious crap you just said, because I want you to be comfortable and free to talk about it without feeling judged. But that’s messed up.”</p>
<p>Fatin crossed her arms over her chest to make her point. Lifting her chin up, she nodded once towards Shelby, asking her to continue.</p>
<p>Maybe it’d be best if religion stayed out of the conversation, at least about this. If that was their reaction to however little she said, how would they react if she told them her daddy believed mental health issues were God’s way of testing people’s faith, or a punishment of their sins? ‘God doesn’t give you more than you can handle’ After the doctor had left, he’d told her to pray and reconnect with God and he’ll give her the strength to overcome it, instead of getting her real help. It was only after it got even worse and she got desperate asking him to please get her professional help and that he’d finally agreed to it.</p>
<p>No, she couldn’t tell them that. It would only add fuel to the fire.  </p>
<p>She cleared her throat. “Anyway, my parents were there when the doctor said what it was and also when she asked me if it had happened before and I was honest about it.” She shrugged, “it was already out there, so why lie, right? She gave me Xanax to bring me down from it and explained to my parents that panic attacks needed to be treated professionally by a therapist who could diagnose it better. So, I got diagnosed and ended up spending a few months at a mental health rehabilitation center.”</p>
<p>Dottie and Fatin shared a look that put her on alert. Toni just sighed, shifting from one foot to the other, but refrained from making any comments. It was the first time Shelby was grateful for her silence. <em>What was it now? What did I say?</em></p>
<p>“Your father sent you away again without your consent or…?” Fatin asked, and everything clicked in her brain.</p>
<p>“No! I asked to go.” She rushed to answer, her voice sounding a pitch higher.</p>
<p>Heat rushed to her face and her heart hammered against her ribs. Even if she had her own opinion about her father’s ways, she didn’t want the girls to think ill of him. When he’d testified at the trial, the girls found out about his intentions. About where he thought he was sending her and even though she hadn’t talked to the girls for years -well, she could sense part of the rage and apprehension they showed now had something to do with it.</p>
<p>“It was what I needed. It was getting real bad and going there helped a lot. Honestly.”</p>
<p>“When was that? We asked your father about you, you know?” Dottie said.</p>
<p>Shelby didn’t know. Her father was present during the trial while she was in the rehab center but said nothing to her about the girls. Of course he wouldn’t. The island and everything associated with it were forbidden topics. Especially the girls.</p>
<p>“He didn’t mention anything to me. But to be fair, I got admitted right before the trial started and couldn’t even talk to my parents for the first month, just to my lawyer regarding the case if needed and with my therapist present. That’s why I wasn’t there. With my condition I was certified and my father got guardianship over my affairs while I recovered.”</p>
<p>“Wow. It’s a lot to process, girl.” Fatin said. “How are you now? I mean… I can see you’re not ok right now, but overall, you look good. Better than the last time we saw your face.” She wrinkled her nose and grabbed a new paper towel, holding it in front of Shelby. “If I ignore the waterfalls, the red eyes and all the fluids dripping from you right now.”</p>
<p>Shelby chuckled and grabbed the towel, immediately wiping her eyes, cheeks and blowing her nose with it.</p>
<p>It felt good to talk about some of the things she went through with them, as if she’d finally released a rope she’d been pulling tight against her chest. A rope that kept her tensed and exhausted all the time.</p>
<p>Dottie placed a hand on her shoulder. “You definitely look better, although you were kind of far away that day.” She scoffed. “Maybe you just look better because you don’t have all those bodyguards next to you. No offence.”</p>
<p>Shelby’s hands trembled when images of that time flash through her head. She couldn’t talk about that. Not about what she’d just been through before testifying at the trial. Tring to disguise her reaction, she dropped them to her lap, clutching the material of her sweats with them.</p>
<p>Bowing her head, she worked on her breathing. <em>Fix this, dammit!</em></p>
<p>“What happened just now? Where did you go to?” Fatin asked.</p>
<p>She took one last breath and forced a smile to appear on her face. Looking back up to the girls, she shook her head, dismissing it.</p>
<p>“Oh, nowhere. I just remembered how much I wanted to jump off that chair, run to y’all and hug the air out each and every one of y’all.”</p>
<p>She glanced around nervously to measure whether her performance had been accepted. Her breath hitched when she noticed Toni seated at the other end of the table, opposite to her. <em>When did that happen?</em> She held that intense gaze for a moment, seeing something had replaced the anger, but she couldn’t place it. Was it pity? Care? Disappointment? <em>Say something, please!</em></p>
<p>It was clear at some point she needed to have a conversation with her and apologize to <em>her. Just her.</em> But now she couldn’t find the words. She allowed her gaze to run over Toni’s face. <em>Lord, she’s gorgeous!</em> Those freckles around her nose and her mouth, those lips that held the power to turn her to putty under them. Those lips that now curled softly at the corner into an almost unperceivable smirk. <em>Did I imagine that?</em></p>
<p>A fresh wave of heat rushed to her neck, creeping to her face. She’d been caught staring.</p>
<p>“Shelby!” Fatin shouted, waving a hand in front of her face.</p>
<p>She jumped back and snapped her eyes to Fatin, surely adding more saturation to the red on her face.</p>
<p>“Didn’t you hear me?”</p>
<p>“Sorry, I was just thinking.”</p>
<p>Dottie chuckled. “Right. I’m not even going to ask.”</p>
<p>Shelby rolled her eyes; she was ready to move on form all the talk about the past for now and get some sleep and if they kept going on tangents that would never happen.</p>
<p>“Look, I just need you to understand why I never reached out or even waved at y’all while I was there testifying. I need you to know how hard it was for me and how little choice I had. And that it wasn’t because I didn’t care about all of you.” She grabbed Dottie’s and Fatin’s hands, wishing she could pull Toni in and touch her as well. “Y’all have no idea how much you girls mean to me. I just…” She paused, hesitating for a moment before choosing her words carefully. “I was terrified, ok? My parents forbid me to contact y’all, and I tried to fight it but… after all the things that got revealed during the trial, and some images that were shown, things got a lot worse at home, things I really rather not go into detail right now.” She couldn’t talk about that it was too personal. Those were family matters she wasn’t willing to discuss them yet. “I was scared, so I complied, waiting for settlement so I could pack my things and move away and do whatever the hell I wanted. But my father still had guardianship when that happened, so I didn’t have any money. I had no other choice than stay there and just wait for things to get better.”</p>
<p>“Why didn’t you try to tell us? You could've passed a note or something during the trial. Fuck, Shelby, we could’ve helped you sooner.” Dottie said, her tone rising.</p>
<p>“How? I was taken there just to testify and left as soon as I was done, if I’d tried something like that and got caught,” She paused. Almost spilling everything. “After my father found out about… Toni and I, I tried denying it.”</p>
<p>She glanced at Toni, who was now clearly seeing red. “Not because I was ashamed. I’m not. I could never be ashamed. I don’t regret it, Toni.” She said, softening her tone. “I wouldn’t change it even if I could.”</p>
<p>In this moment, it was just the two of them. Everything else vanished. She needed to make <em>her</em> understand. Toni kept staring at her with fire in her eyes and her hands fisted without saying a word.</p>
<p>“I just knew he would never understand, you know? He's set in his ways, and those beliefs? He holds them dear to his heart.” <em>Just say the word</em>, <em>be brave. </em>She breathed deeply. “Me being gay is just something he’ll never accept or understand, not because he doesn’t love me enough, but because that’s all he knows. So, yes, I followed his orders and kept playing my role, living under his expectations because I was afraid of what he might do to try and fix me if I didn’t. And I couldn’t deal with it.”</p>
<p>Toni scoffed. “Bullshit.”</p>
<p>And there it was. That voice. Her stomach fluttered and her heartbeat rocketed. She got locked in a staring contest with Toni, who had her jaw clenched and her nostrils again flaring, ready to pounce on her. It reminded her of the first days on the island when all they did was butt heads, but there was a glimmer of something softer in her beautiful chocolate-brown eyes behind all that anger.</p>
<p>“Excuse me?”</p>
<p>“Fuck, Shelby. Why are you defending him? After all the crap he put you through.”</p>
<p>“Toni-”</p>
<p>“No! He’s a religious bigot! A homophobe that can’t take his head out of his own ass long enough to see what he's doing to his precious daughter. Shit, Shelby! The only reason you were on that plane was because of him. All happy thinking you were going to a weekend retreat, and the fucker was sending you to a fucking conversion therapy camp!”</p>
<p>“Toni, back off.” Fatin said, glaring at her.</p>
<p>A shiver went through her body at the mention of that place. “Toni, I’m not-”</p>
<p>“How can you defend him after that, huh?”</p>
<p>“Jesus fucking Christ Toni! Would you fucking stop? I’m not defending him. Ok?”</p>
<p>“Like hell you’re not.” She bolted up from her chair sending it flying backwards. “You know what? I can’t take this bullshit anymore. If you can’t see just how messed up this whole thing is, what a huge asshole your father is, I don’t know what to tell you.”</p>
<p>In a second Dottie stood next to Toni, trying to calm her down. “Ok, take it down a notch.”</p>
<p>Toni ignored Dottie completely, too busy glaring at Shelby while she waited for a comeback.</p>
<p>“Toni, I’m not defending him, but he’s my father ok? It not that easy.” Shelby said through gritted teeth. “You wouldn’t understand,” she muttered under her breath.</p>
<p>Toni blinked a few times and stepped backwards, increasing the distance between them. She scoffed. “You’re right, I don’t. But if that's the alternative, I’m fucking glad I don’t have to deal with it.”</p>
<p>And with that, Toni whirled around and stumped out of the kitchen, leaving Shelby feeling like the biggest asshole alive.</p>
<p>
  <em>Fuck!</em>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I promise I'll get better at it! I’m not happy about how this chapter turned out. I feel like it’s a bit all over the place, Shelby has a lot of shit going on and it was hard to write. I lost the file yesterday and had to start the second scene again, and that is what came out of my head today. I really wanted to post this for you today. If I waited to come up with a better version, I knew it would take me days to do it. So here it is. And FYI, I might come back and edit the chapter in the future.<br/>On another note. Yeah Toni is not happy to see Shelby, she's hurt so she reacts by pretty much saying nothing gathering information until she explodes. But worry not my friends. Things will get better soon for this two.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>  <strong>Ok I just found an Easter egg on episode 9 that made me gasp. If you watch it again, look at the date and location on the evidence box top label, then remember Nora saying the date on day 22 (E10) was June 29th.  THEN COME TALK TO ME 'CAUSE I NEED TO VENT!!! WTF??.</strong></p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. CHAPTER THREE - Toni</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <h1>3</h1><p>
  <em> <strong>~ t o n i ~</strong> </em>
</p><p> </p><p>The morning sun prickled Toni’s shoulders, burning her olive skin. Sweat dripped down her back and chest, like raindrops in a storm crashing against a window. Her heart pumped furiously and her legs muscles screamed in agony. She mixed running drills and walking up the steep hiking trail of Griffith Park, pushing her body to the limit.</p><p>It wasn’t enough to consume the fire inside. The rage she felt the night before lingered inside her, renewed, and directed to a new target. Herself. The intensity of it had felt unfamiliar-it’d been years since the last time she felt such anger. So much time, she’d forgotten what came after the explosion. After it found a way out. The void it left behind, the tightness in her chest, the trembling hands, gave way to the worst of it.</p><p>The unbearable sadness.</p><p>She’d cried herself to sleep in frustration, replaying images of the night. Of those puffy eyes, of every word that came out of those lips. Memories of her and Shelby on the island, of conversations and plans they’d made. Of kisses, hugs, and cuddles. Of moments on that secret spot where everything else muted, and it was just them getting lost in each other.</p><p>She woke up feeling like an asshole for reacting the way she had and stupid for allowing herself to go there, to those memories that still consumed her. It was a reminder of how broken she was. A reminder of why people kept running from her. She always messed up somehow, she ruined things. When people saw the ugly side of her, they left. They chose the simpler option, the one worthy of love. It was conditional like that. Love.</p><p>To earn love, she had to have control and keep her emotions in check. Like that was an easy feat to achieve. Like that wasn’t dehumanizing. She preferred to feel emotions, even the worst of them instead of repressing everything and becoming a robot to accommodate those who couldn’t deal with it. Even if that meant being alone. But it didn’t hurt less when people left.</p><p>She kept her circle of people small. Those rare ones that stayed in her life no matter what and accepted her flaws as much as her strengths, she held them close to her heart. The ones to defy the norm of conditional love, making her believe that maybe-just maybe-she wasn’t so broken. She only gave little pieces of her here and there. Trust had to be earned. Same with loyalty. Opening up and allowing people in, placed too much power in their hands. Power to hurt her. She’d made that mistake a few times, with her mom, with Regan, and again with Shelby. She thought she’d learned her lesson by now and moved on.</p><p>The fire that had kept her on edge most of her life had simmered down to an extinguishing flame. The calmness she felt most times came naturally. So why seeing Shelby again made a tangled mess of her emotions? And how on earth did she still feel that pull, that dangerous intangible thing that always drew her in?</p><p>
  <em>How does she still have so much power over me? Why did I snap like that? And why the hell do I feel like a piece of shit for it?</em>
</p><p>
  <em>Fucking Shelby Goodkind! Fucking traitorous heart!</em>
</p><p>Her feet kept stomping the dirt trail, sending particles of dust flying and onto her worn-down Merrell shoes. She was halfway up to the Griffith Park Observatory. One of her go-to places when she needed to put her chaotic mind in order and blow off some steam.</p><p>“You better take this as… measurement of my love… for you.”</p><p>Toni turned around to find a panting Fatin a few feet behind, collapsed on the ground at the side of the trail under a weak shadow. Right, she wasn’t alone. She’d ran up the trail and walked back down to stay close to Fatin, who had insisted on coming along. Thankfully, the extraneous activity meant silence. It was either move or talk for Fatin.</p><p>Shaking her head, Toni marched down to her side. “C’mon. It’s not that bad. And it’s good for you. You never workout.” She held out a hand to help Fatin stand. They needed to keep going or the silence would end.</p><p>Fatin swatted the offending hand in front of her and looked up with wide eyes and raised eyebrows. “My point exactly.”</p><p>Toni sighed. Today, patience ran dangerously low. Adding ‘lashing out on Fatin’ to her list of things-to-feel-guilty-and-shitty-about didn’t sound appealing at all. </p><p>Fatin pulled on Toni’s black leggings, pinching a bit of the skin on her calf. “Can’t we stay here? This is good. This is nice,” she said with big pleading eyes, motioning with open arms to the incredible view of the city below. Narrowing her eyes in a serious expression that said the activity was over, she added, “this is enough!”</p><p>Toni rolled her eyes. “Stop whining already. Nobody asked you to come.” She cringed, immediately regretting the words and the hard tone that came out of her mouth.</p><p>Fatin’s eyebrows shot up. “Jesus, broody much?” She looked away and placed a dramatic palm over her chest. “Sorry for bothering you with my friendship. I thought you needed the company.”</p><p>Toni’s chest tightened. Behind the humor, she could see the hurt in Fatin’s eyes. <em>I’m a piece of shit!</em> She exhaled sharply and slouched next to Fatin on the ground, hugging her knees to her chest, and bumped her forehead against her arms a few times. “Sorry. I’m being a jerk.”</p><p>“It’s fine. I can be your punching bag if it helps.” Fatin said, rubbing soothing circles on Toni’s back.</p><p>Toni shook her head. “It’s not ok. I’m really sorry.” She switched her position, sitting Indian style, and faced Fatin.</p><p>Fatin opened her mouth to start the inevitable talk but held back after following Toni’s gaze and hearing the murmurs of hikers approaching. Two middle-aged women walked up the trail deep in conversation, laughing and holding a small dumbbell in each hand. When they passed in front of them, they sent them a polite smile. Toni nodded with a tight smile of her own in response.</p><p>At least they weren’t part of their groupies and stopped for stupid conversations or photos.</p><p>Once the coast was clear, Fatin sat up tall, ready to begin. “So,” she said, dragging the letters, “I haven’t seen short-fuse-Toni in a long time. Very vintage of you. Very nostalgic.”</p><p>Toni dropped her eyes to the ground, grabbing a twig and breaking it into small pieces to keep her hands occupied. She remained silent, replaying the night before over and over. Her heartbeat increasing the more she thought about it.</p><p>“Always thought she was a bad-ass bitch. Not so much last night.” </p><p>Toni met Fatin’s eyes with the fire burning behind hers. She scoffed. “That’s the Shelby fucking Goodkind effect for ya.”</p><p>“Toni.” Fatin said in a warning tone.</p><p>“What? She comes here after three years of radio silence, with her ‘y’alls’ and her ‘hi, theres’ like she didn’t leave us fucking hanging and you expect me to, what? Run to her arms, kiss her hello and tell her how much I fucking missed her?”</p><p>“No, but at least-”</p><p>“You know that cell-phone and laptop crap was bullshit. We talked for months after she went home. You guys did too.”</p><p>“I know. But-”</p><p>“We talked every day for months. If something was going on with her, she would’ve told me. <em>I</em> would’ve noticed it.” She dropped the last piece of the poor twig and grabbed a new one to assault.</p><p>
  <em>I should have known. Why didn’t she say something?</em>
</p><p>“Would she? That girl is amazing at pretending she farts glitter with every step she takes. Especially with family shit.”</p><p>“Fuck, she was moving here, Fatin.” Her voice cracked at the end. Memories flashing through her eyes. The hours each night they spent talking on the phone, daydreaming about their future together. All the empty promises and the happiness she’d felt when Shelby told her she was moving to LA to be with her. She shut her eyes tight, biting her lip to keep the burning sensation behind them at bay. “She was so fucking happy when I told her I was coming here with you guys. She kept blabbing about how excited she was, how she couldn’t wait to get here, how much she missed me and making plans and detailed lists of all the things she wanted to see and do here.”</p><p>Fatin placed a hand on Toni’s thigh, her brows pulled together. “I know you’re hurt-”</p><p>“Hurt?” Toni huffed, shaking her head. “Been there, learned from it, and moved on a long time ago. I’m not hurt. I’m… I’m…” the right word to express everything she felt hadn’t been invented. She threw her hands in the air, the words rushing out of her lips, “whatever the hell I am, but it’s not hurt.” She said, pointing at Fatin with the twig.</p><p>“Right.” Fatin rolled her eyes.</p><p>“And this isn’t just about me! What about Marty, huh? She fucking broke Martha’s heart! Just like I said she would.”</p><p>Fatin quirked her eyebrows and nodded. “Sure, Marty.”</p><p>“She used her! Lured her in with her little ice breakers and stupid charming smiles, promising to hang out and show her fucking Fort Travis and once she got comfortable back to her life, to her friends, and to the stupid religious bullshit she forgot about Marty. She pushed her away, and it broke Marty’s heart!”</p><p>“Ok, now you’re just being a petty bitch.”</p><p>Toni clenched her jaw. Was she being petty? Bitter maybe, but it wasn’t unfounded.</p><p>“Did you hear the same thing I did last night? She had a mental breakdown. She wasn’t partying around!”</p><p>Closing her eyes Toni took a deep breath trying to bring her pounding heart to a steadier rhythm.</p><p>Fatin placed both hands on Toni’s shoulders, commanding her attention. “Toni, you know she wouldn’t lie about the phone thing. Maybe that’s why she disappeared on us. Her parents could’ve done that after things got heavier on the news front. Is not like she gave us a detailed timeline.”</p><p>Toni’s heart plummeted to her stomach. She dropped her gaze to the ground, abandoning the twig to play with the dirt below. “Yeah, well. She ripped my fucking heart out and blocked my ass before it happened.”</p><p>
  <em>Yep, bitter.</em>
</p><p>What she had with Shelby had been explosive. It wasn’t love at first sight, nor it had been the first time she’d loved. But it was more intense than anything she’d ever felt for anyone. And apparently more one-sided than she thought.</p><p>“Listen, I get that you’re ‘not hurt’,” Fatin said, making air quotes over the last part, “but don’t you think you’re being unfair? She went through hell and back. You saw how broken she looked yesterday. Cut the girl some slack.”</p><p>It’d killed Toni to see Shelby like that. She’d fought against the urge to reach out and pull Shelby in for a bone-crushing embrace. She wanted to protect her from everything and scream at her for allowing everything to get that far, instead of choosing herself and running out of that place sooner. Instead of asking for help sooner. <em>Fuck that asshole and fuck Shelby for defending him</em>. How could she do that? Defend him after all the shit he’d put her through? As much as it pained Toni to see her so broken, it was nothing compared to the frustration and anger of hearing what the fucker had done to her, and then to hear her excusing him? That was what pushed her over the edge. She couldn’t deal with people who let the fucking religious bureaucracy dictate their life and hurt others because of messed up beliefs.</p><p>She swallowed the lump in her throat, her voice coming out much softer now. “She’s holding back, you know? I can read her like a book. There’s more to it. I know she’s protecting him.”</p><p>“She’s scared of him.” Fatin shuddered. “God, that dude creeps me out. He makes my dad look like a fucking saint.”</p><p>Toni snorted, shaking her head. “How can she defend him? I don’t get it. He was a piece of shit before the island and clearly thinking he’d lost his daughter did little to change him. How could she stay there for so long? Why didn’t she ask for help sooner?”</p><p>Fatin shrugged. “Who knows? Family’s dynamics are fucked up like that.”</p><p>“Yeah, but that’s straight-up negligence.”</p><p>They remained silent, waiting for a new group of hikers to pass, not wanting to draw attention. Maybe moving to a more secluded spot would be a smart idea, but all the adrenaline she felt moments ago had left her body. Now it was heavy. She came out of a high and it left her feeling drained.</p><p>Once they were out of earshot, Fatin moved to sit next to Toni with her body turned to look at her. “Look. Us three? We were the lucky ones. You and Dot were free to do whatever you wanted, and me? Well, my parents couldn’t care less where I lived as long as I wasn’t there as a reminder of how badly they screwed up. Assholes.” Fatin said, and shook her head, “the others had to go back to whatever they left behind and deal with it. I don’t understand why she waited so long to get out of that hellhole, but she’s here now.”</p><p><em>She’s here now</em>. Those words sent shivers down her spine. Whether it was a good thing, she couldn’t tell. If there was someone in the world that held the power to hurt her beyond repair, it was Shelby. If she wasn’t careful and allowed her back in, it’d only lead to more pain. The connection she had with her was ethereal, it ran deeper than anything she’d ever experienced. After the way her body reacted seeing her again, the way her heart raced out of her chest like wanting to reconnect with the piece the blond still owned and be whole again, she was sure Shelby could easily destroy her. <em>I can’t go through that again. I can’t let her in only to lose her again.</em></p><p>Fatin squeezed Toni’s wrist once. “She needs us, Toni. She needs you. I’m not well versed in girl drama, but judging her or holding grudges? It won’t get her to open up or help her go through all of this. Stop taking it so personally. At least hear what she has to say before jumping down her throat.”</p><p>“I’m not. I know I was an asshole last night, but I couldn’t help it. It was all too damn much! Fuck, Fatin, I thought I’d never see her again… and to see her like that? To hear all the crap her parents put her through? It killed me.”</p><p>“I know.” After a bit of heavy silence, Fatin chuckled. “Nobody is asking you to go back to fucking each other behind the bushes. As hot as the two of you are, I think I had enough visuals to last me a lifetime.”</p><p>Toni sent her a pointed look, the heat rushing through her neck up to her face. Fatin was trying to lift the mood with that comment, but why, oh why, go there?</p><p>Fatin smiled sheepishly, batted her eyelashes while tapping her index finger on Toni’s forearm before drawing random patterns. “Just play nice, and hear her out. We owe her that much, don’t you think? Who knows how long we would’ve spent on that place if it wasn’t for her and Leah.”</p><p>Toni released all the air out of her lungs and nodded apprehensively. It’d be a dangerous dance. She’d have to find the right balance of being supportive while keeping Shelby at arms’ length. But Fatin was right. She’d focused too much on her own feeling last night, and she reacted badly. Shelby deserved better than that, but controlling her emotions wasn’t her forte.</p><p> </p><p>********</p><p> </p><p>Dot danced while cooking to her trusted 80’s beat creating a scene out of Jerry Maguire, with her white socks and red shorts and a black shirt that read ‘In my defense, I was left unsupervised.’ Once she spotted Toni and an exhausted Fatin, she grinned. “Dude, you’re a mess.”</p><p>Fatin groaned. Dragging herself to one of the kitchen bar stools she slumped on it, crossed her arms on top of the marble counter dropping her head on them. “This girl is a terrorist. I need a spa day after that.”</p><p>Toni chuckled, walking straight to the fridge in search of an orange Gatorade. “C’mon, man! You gave up on me halfway there. It barely counted as a workout.” She opened the drink and gulped half of it, moaning at the glorious taste and the cooling effect it had on her body.</p><p>She leaned against the back counter next to the sliding door that led to the kitchen back patio, sliding down onto the floor -chairs were overrated- basking in the sunbeams there.</p><p>She’d never paid too much attention to materialistic things. Luxury wasn’t a priority for her. But the thing she loved most about the house was how open it was and the vast outdoor space. The house stood on a bit of a cliff on different levels, so most rooms faced the ocean and had balconies or patios and huge wall-to-wall, floor-to-ceiling windows, allowing natural light into the house and an amazing view of the beach below. The main terrace was her favorite spot. Her bedroom had direct access to it. She spent a lot of time there during the nights -when the rest of the city slept- draped on one of the teak sun loungers, with her mother’s ragged ukulele, looking at the stars and playing old songs with the sound of waves crashing in the background.</p><p>Normally the cooling breeze carried the salty scent of the ocean, but right now the air was filled with whatever Dot was making. It smelled delicious and greasy. Her stomach rumbled in response, it was almost noon and she hadn’t eaten anything, too busy running out of the house to care. “Dude, that smells amazi-.” Her words died in her tongue when she spotted Shelby rounding the corner from the stairs to the dining room.</p><p>Toni’s mouth went dry, her heartbeat spiking. <em>She’s here now.</em> She wanted to divert her gaze but her eyes acted on their own accord. Shelby wore the same clothes from the night before, walking barefooted. Her golden hair in a high ponytail that reached the back of her neck. It had grown quite a bit since the last time she’d seen her, but then again, that was during her only appearance at the trial over two years ago. Any version of Shelby was breathtaking. Bald, long straight hair, curly and messy, mutilated hair with twigs and leaves, crisp sun-damaged skin with dirt all over, any version. Even now with dark circles under her eyes and on the thinner side, like she hadn’t eaten properly in a while, she looked beautiful.</p><p>When Shelby spotted her sprawled on the floor she froze, all wide-eyed, a hue of pink rising and taking over her untanned ivory skin. She glanced around to the others and once again met Toni’s eyes. The cliche skipped a beat? Check. <em>Fucking traitorous heart!</em></p><p>Shelby gulped visibly and cleared her throat. “Morning.” Her voice soft and a bit raspy from sleep.</p><p>Fatin’s early words resonated in Toni’s mind. <em>Play nice, cut her some slack, basically try to put the past where it belongs. </em>With a tight smile, she nodded hello to Shelby giving her the same treatment she gave the two hiking strangers. It wasn’t exactly an apology for how she’d reacted, but it was a start, and Shelby seemed ok with it, smiling shyly back at her with a glint of understatement in those green eyes.</p><p>“She lives!” Dot looked over her shoulder, hands still busy with the food. “Just in time for breakfast.”</p><p>
  <em>More like brunch at this point.</em>
</p><p>Shelby focused on Dot and took a few tentative steps forward stopping again next to the bar where a comatose Fatin rested, crossing her arms over her chest and squeezing them with a strong grip, a move Toni recognized as Shelby being anxious. “I was out for a while, wasn’t I?”</p><p>Dot snickered turning off the stove and grabbing a few plates from the cabinets. “I was about to go up there to make a consciousness check,” she placed the plates on the counter next to the stove and nodded towards Fatin, “I guess I have a new subject now.”</p><p>“Lord, what the hell happened to you?” Shelby said, moving next to Fatin and placed an arm over her shoulders in a side hug. Her forehead wrinkling but with a hint of amusement in her expression.</p><p>Fatin leaned against the embrace, wrapping her arm on Shelby’s waist and motioning with her head towards Toni. “That bossy bitch happened.” She grimaced. “Psychopath!”</p><p>Toni chuckled and got up, working in tandem with Dot and taking the things she handed to her to the table. “Hey, you wanted to come with. Don’t blame the activity, blame the decision.” The idea of having something else to focus on, temping her enough to move her drained limbs.</p><p>Shelby giggled softly. The sound made her stomach flutter and an image of Shelby’s beautiful smile materialize in her mind.<em> This is fine. Keep it light. Focus on helping Dot! Ignore the rest.</em></p><p>Dot was like the mother of the group she loved to take care of everyone. Through the years living together, they’d found a good system to make the house a nice cozy, clean space and cohabitation smooth. Dot worked as a sous-chef at a chic new restaurant near Melrose while she finished her last semester of culinary school, so naturally, the kitchen was her domain. Toni and Fatin helped with the other chores, keeping the place in order and the finances well organized.</p><p>“Ugh, I’m all dirty and sweaty. I hate hiking.” Fatin moved to the table with Shelby behind.</p><p>Toni smirked. “You stink too.”</p><p>Fatin narrowed her eyes knowing too well Toni was trying to rile her up, but gave in and lifted her arm, sniffing her armpit. The lifted arm dropped quickly and turned to a single middle finger reserved for a chuckling Toni.</p><p>Shelby again giggling, sat on the header of the table where Dot pointed, just like the night before. Dot to her left and Fatin to her right, Toni considered for a second keeping a bigger distance and taking the other header but took the seat next to Fatin instead. It was stupid to leave that much space free and having a front seat to Shelby would be too much.</p><p>The table looked like an all you can eat buffet. Sausages and bacon, French toast with berries and syrup, breakfast tacos filled with scrambled eggs, cheese and veggies, a platter of freshly cut fruits perfectly arranged, fresh squeezed OJ and a steaming French Presser filled with coffee. It all looked too pretty to be touched, it belonged more to an influencer’s Instagram post than a homemade casual brunch. A cue into Dot’s mood, cooking was her outlet when she needed to process things. Maybe Toni wasn’t the only one struggling with Shelby’s sudden appearance.</p><p>“Dorothy! This is amazing!” Fatin said, scrambling to fill her plate with renewed energy.</p><p>Dot snickered. “Aw, all she needed was a little food to resuscitate.” She filled her plate as well and moved to serve Shelby who sat in silence with a bowed head and her hands under the table. “Coffee?” Dot asked Shelby.</p><p>Shelby glanced up and nodded. “Yes, thank you.”</p><p>The room fell to an awkward silence, only the clattering cutlery could be heard. Toni sipped her coffee peeking over the rim at Shelby who played a bit with her food before cutting and grabbing a bite of French toasts.</p><p>She moaned closing her eyes after the first taste. “Oh my god, Dottie! So damn good!”</p><p>The familiar sound sent a shiver through Toni’s body. <em>Jesus! </em>Yeah, having Shelby around wasn’t going to be easy. Her throat felt like gravel trying to swallow the breakfast taco, she grabbed her coffee to push the food down.</p><p>Dot smiled around a mouthful of food.</p><p>“Hey, slept well? How are you feeling?” Fatin asked.</p><p>Shelby nodded and looked down. “Yes, that bed is heaven sent. I haven’t slept like that in a while.” She sipped her coffee and wiped her mouth with a napkin, sitting a little taller. “I feel better. Exited to start fresh and see what comes next.”</p><p>It was the typical Shelby optimism, trying to put on a brave face and mask everything she felt. Toni could see through it, Shelby was struggling big time. The dark circles under her eyes and the glint of sadness she could see there told her that much. She focused on eating silently but listened to every word. Knowing Shelby pushing it or calling her bluff wouldn’t end well, it was better to give her time and space, letting her process everything.</p><p>“Do you have any plans or an idea of what that might be?” Dot asked.</p><p>What <em>was</em> Shelby planning when she showed up?</p><p>Shelby shrugged dropping her hands to her lap and leaned back on her chair. “Honestly, I don’t know. It all happened too fast. I just grabbed a few things, packed and left. I didn’t put much thought into it. I should probably find a job, and then a place to live, if y’all don’t mind putting up with me until then.”</p><p>Toni’s chest tightened. “Don’t leave.” The words rushed out of her mouth. <em>What the hell? Fuck! </em>She dropped her eyes to the food, feeling the heat again in her face “I mean, you don’t have to… there’s plenty of space here.”</p><p>Shelby's eyes were as wide as the plates in front of them, her mouth opening and closing a few times. “You sure?” she asked, her voice coming out low and chopped.</p><p>Toni nodded once, her heart drumming inside. She’d lost the ability to speak, with how dry her mouth felt. The air was charged with tension, she could feel the burn of six shocked eyes staring at her. Of course, no one expected that from her after the tantrum last night, and to be fair she kind of vomited the words without previous thought.</p><p>Fatin sent Toni a proud smile and then faced Shelby with a huge grin. “Of course! You stay as long as you want, we got you, girl.”</p><p>Dot nodded working on her food. “Yeah, our casa is su casa.”</p><p>Shelby smiled tightly grabbing Fatin and Dot’s arms, her eyes darting from face to face with her brows pushed together. “Are y’all sure? I don’t want to impose. Y’all already did so much for me last night, I feel terrible asking to stay for a bit, I need to know y’all are real comfortable with it. It wouldn’t be for too long… hopefully. I just need to find a job and save some money and then I’ll figure something else out-”</p><p>“What do you mean save money?” Dot asked, frowning. “What about the settlement, Shelby?”</p><p>Shelby went pale. One hand reaching instinctively to her now naked chest where her cross necklace used to hang and dropping swiftly to her lap. Toni noticed it was missing last night.</p><p>“Shelby?” Fatin egged her on.</p><p>Shelby looked up fidgeting on her seat. “The guardianship,” she gulped, “my father still has it. I have some money on me but it’s next to nothing.”</p><p>Toni's heart pounded, heat flushing through her body. She clenched her jaw tight to stop the words from escaping. <em>What the fuck? Fucking asshole!</em></p><p>“What do you mean he still your guardian? I thought you said it was just while you were recovering and for the trial.” Fatin asked.</p><p>“Well, no. Once that’s in place it has to be contested by one of the parties and taken to court to prove real improvement. My father controls my finances, so I don’t have the money to get me a lawyer and I stopped seeing my therapist a few years ago. I need a professional to attest to my wellbeing, and God knows what else it would take to actually get independence. I took a wrong turn. My father is a well connected man, it takes a lot more than what I had to get that sort of guardianship but with the trial and my situation I agreed to it, my father talked with the judge who’s a friend of his from church and we got it approved.”</p><p>“Jesus, Shelby.”</p><p>“Holy fuck.”</p><p>Dot and Fatin said in unison. Toni tried to control the anger; it was all too much. Why would she agree to that? And why her father still had control over her? <em>Fuck! </em>She was trying, she really was, but it was hard when the bullshit kept piling up. It wasn’t Shelby’s fault; she was a victim in the situation. But again, Toni needed to blow off some steam, far away from there. Air, she needed air.</p><p>She shook herself out of it, working on controlling her breathing. <em>Be supportive.</em> “What can we do to help?”</p><p>Shelby shrugged and smiled, green eyes filled with emotions searching Toni’s. “It’s ok, y’all have done enough, just being here for me is much more important to me than having that settled. I need to figure a lot of things out and right now I can’t deal with that. Plus, I think it’ll be fun to get a job and work for something in my life. I need to do this, I want to. When I get a bit more settled, I’ll find myself a lawyer and deal with it.”</p><p>“Shelby, we can get you a lawyer. It’s not a big deal. You don’t have to do everything alone, we are here for you.” Dot said, placing a hand on Shelby’s shoulder.</p><p>“I know, and I appreciate y’all trying to help. But I rather try this first. I wanna know what it feels like to be free to do whatever I want; I don’t want to add more drama to my life right now. I just stepped away from it.” Shelby leaned back sucking in a deep breath, a huge honest grin appearing on her face. “I mean, I’m in freaking LA with y’all now. I want to get the lay of the land and enjoy for a bit before that.”</p><p>Fatin face lit up. “Amen, sister! We’ll show you around! Let's finish this glorious food, get ready and we’ll hit the town.” She looked at Dot, raising her eyebrows. “Dorothy?”</p><p>Dot snickered and offered a clenched fist for Fatin to bump. “Count me in.”</p><p>Fatin patted the fist a couple of times and turned to Toni. “What about you?”</p><p>Right, like she’d agree to that. She felt on edge, her emotions all over the place. Shelby was dangerous for her, she drew her in and Toni was fucking weak for the girl. She needed to get away and put some space. Clearly, she couldn’t control her responses when she was around, so it’d be wise to keep some distance. One thing was trying to play nice and be supportive and a whole other was actively choosing to spend time with Shelby. Plus she had work to do, and maybe after she’d drop by Eva’s place to blow off some steam.</p><p>Toni shook her head. “Sorry.” She glanced at the microwave clock and got up. “I have to get ready, I have a meeting later.”</p><p>Fatin brows furrowed. “You’re going down to the site today?”</p><p>“Yeah, I’m meeting with the constructor and the architect. They’re busting my balls with the finishing touches. I have to go check it and run some things over with them.”</p><p>Fatin narrowed her eyes as if she could see through Toni’s words. “Ok. We’ll see you later then, for dinner?”</p><p>Toni bowed her head her heartbeat rising. “I already have plans, sorry.” She muttered, guilt washing over her. <em>What the fuck do I feel guilty for? She dumped my ass for fuck’s sake!</em> <em>Get a fucking grip!</em></p><p>Her eyes darted quickly around the table, stopping on Shelby who looked like a kicked puppy, all slouched shoulders and pouty lips. <em>Fuck!</em> The guilt intensified. She needed to get away fast.</p><p>Without waiting for a second longer, she marched to her bedroom. Already planning on sprinting through a shower and getting ready fast, and hopefully, leave Shelby behind and out of her head for the rest of the day.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Sorry for the delay!! Life got in the way. I’ll see if I can finish the next chapter fast to keep with the weekly update schedule.<br/>I didn’t have time to edit this chapter much, so let me know what you think of it.<br/>And if you find mistakes, let me know.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. CHAPTER FOUR - Shelby</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Heavy chapter ahead. And super long. We get a glimpse of Shelby's hell, so read carefully and skip the first scene if you need to. Self-care is important!<br/>It has to happen to open up a conversation and to help Shelby start healing. Things will be brighter after this. </p><p>Also if music makes you feel all sort of things. This (https://youtu.be/doz7bEOOgpk) is the song I've been listening to while writing that first scene and bawling my eyes out. It's just way too close to what I feel Shelby's headspace was at that time. Go listen to it for extra feels!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <h1>4</h1><p>
  <strong>
    <em>~ s h e l b y ~</em>
  </strong>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <em>The room is dark as a pit. It smells damp and acrid. It’s suffocating in there, not a single window, not a single glimpse of the outside world. The residual taste of copper still in her dry mouth, her throat like sandpaper after who knows how long without a sip of water. She’d stopped feeling the hunger. Just the thought of drinking olive oil and stale bread as a meal made the bile rise to her already irritated throat. Nothing would come out, anyway. It’s not a sin. It can’t be a sin, something so pure, so amazing as love can’t be a sin. This is not God’s message; this isn’t a show of his love. If it is, then he might not be real. Her mouth moved on autopilot, repeating the same instructed prayer over and over, asking the Lord to give her strength to be what he intended, and forgive her for the sins she’d committed. She’d stopped fighting it after the first week, if she stops praying out loud, it’d hurt more. She can’t change their minds. She can’t fight it anymore. It would be the end for her. Maybe that’s not a bad thing. Maybe God can take her. It would make it stop. It would take the pain away. She needs to be strong. It will stop. It’ll be better. But then what? Nothing but loneliness. Did she deserve this? For hurting others? Maybe. For whom she loved? No. She’d stopped feeling the pain of the uncooked rice grains buried on her knees, hour after hour. The sensation of the sticky blood there did nothing to her. Numb. Completely numb. Void of everything that made her human. Maybe this is hell, maybe she’s dead, and now it’s time to pay for her sins. It’s not a sin. This is a sin. What these people are doing to her is a sin. It’s not working. She’s still who she is. She loves who she loves. That’s the only thread she’s hanging on. The only image printed and clear in her mind. Toni. How can that be a sin? She keeps that image front and center, as a reminder of how alive she actually is. As a reminder of what it could be. It’s what’s giving her the strength to keep breathing, to play her part until this hell stops. Is this stopping? Or are they going to try to fix her until she can’t take it anymore? They call themselves Christians, acting on God’s will. If that’s what being a Christian is, then what’s real and what’s not? This isn’t God’s will. She feels his presence, sharing his strength with her, telling her she’s exactly as he created her, an image of himself, and that nothing is wrong with her. Maybe she’s hallucinating. Maybe she’s losing her mind. Maybe he’s not real. It’s not a sin, love is not a sin. Those words keep playing in a loop in her head, opposing the worlds that leave her mouth and are spoken out loud. If she stops, it gets worse. If she stops complying, she’ll never leave this place. She hears the steps approaching down the hall. Her hands don’t tremble anymore. Her heart doesn’t drop to her empty stomach anymore. She doesn’t fear them anymore. She’s not angry anymore. Numb. Void of life. That’s who she’s now. It’s not going to work. The steps stop outside her door. She doesn’t react. She stays where she is. The lock turns, it’s the worst sound in the world. Her jaw clenches, mirroring her fists. She pushes the words out, anyway. She can’t stop. It would be worse. They step inside and round her. They grip her face, making her mouth open against her will. The olive oil is traveling her mouth and throat before she can fight it. It makes her gag, but she keeps it down. At least it’s soothing her burning throat. “You’ve forsaken the Lord for Satan. You’ve fallen for the devil’s oldest trick.” They lift her body from the rice, some grains stay inside her bruised knees. She can’t stretch them with how hurt they are. She knows what comes next. Pain. They set her down on a tray filled with salt. It burns like hell. It travels through her aching body. She bites her lip, cutting through the skin, and the copper taste inside her mouth intensifies. Her eyes hurt, from the darkness, she doesn’t cry anymore. “Clean your soul from your sins, repent and the Lord will save you, he’ll cure your abomination.” It’s always the same. The belt comes off. The worst part is coming, even if they don’t put as much strength behind it. It’ll only last a few minutes. She can take it. “Let’s remind you how much pain that lifestyle can cause you.” She closes her eyes and breathes deeply. That same image in her mind intensifying, becoming clearer, giving her strength. This isn’t God’s love. Not her God. ‘No, my God loves me. My God feels what I do, and it’s suffering with me. These people are going to hell, not me.’ Now her hands trembled in anticipation. Now her throat’s constricted, blocking the airflow, as if an invisible hand with inhuman strength had a death grip on it, choking the life out of her…</em>
</p><p>Shelby bolted up from bed, gasping for air. One hand instinctively circled her throat, the other one hitting her chest as if that would make the air flow again. She scrambled trembling to the floor, intending to reach the window that led to the terrace and stepping outside for air, but fell a few steps away from it. Hugging her knees to her chest, she rocked her heavy body back and forth. <em>Make it stop, make it stop, make it stop! It’s not a sin!</em> Her heart pounded madly echoing in her head. The air still a distant memory, a precious thing that eluded her. The numbness, the tingling feeling traveled through her body, freezing her blood. <em>It was only a bad dream. You’re not in that place anymore! They can’t hurt you anymore! It was a bad dream. You’re stronger than this.</em> The sensation, what it was, what was happening to her was familiar, but it hadn’t happened in a while. <em>Why now? Why now, when I’m here?</em></p><p>She couldn’t snap from it. She tried focusing on anything other than what her body was going through. She tried to remind herself that even if it didn’t feel like it, she was in fact breathing. But it felt like she was choking, gasping for air, and it only made the need for it bigger. It only made her heart beat faster. How long it’d be until her heart gave out and stopped working?</p><p><em>Shelby?</em> The faint drowning sound of a familiar voice reached her ears, echoing in her head. It was all her imagination; it wasn’t real. <em>Make it stop!</em> Her entire body stiffened when something warm and strong, yet soft grasped her numbed arms. <em>Shelby, it’s ok, you’re ok, you’re safe now.</em> The voice said, coming clearer now. It was Toni’s voice. Even in her mind, she was her safe place. Her anchor to reality. The warm sensation left her arms, now setting behind her back, and circling her body until it reached her hands. Her body stiffened even more. She wasn’t rocking her body anymore; something else was. Her eyes opened, the air fighting against the tight clench of her throat, lifting weakly the heavy rock sitting on her chest. It burned. Her lungs burned in need of oxygen. Needles pierced through her chest. <em>Make it stop. I can’t breathe.</em> She couldn’t see anything, just the sensation of the warm embrace.</p><p>“Hey! Hey, you’re ok. You’re safe. Nothing can hurt you. I got you, Shelby. I need you to focus on my voice. Please, come back to me.”</p><p>Her lips trembled. A string of air reached inside her, making the blur dissipate a little. It wasn’t in her head. Toni was here. Toni was sitting behind her, holding her. The fog was slowly leaving her brain, but her heart continued its pounding pace.</p><p>She swallowed, but it did nothing to soothe the dryness of her throat. “Toni? I can’t brea-” Her voice came out shaky and weak.</p><p>“Yes, you can, Shelby. I’m here, I got you. I need you to listen to my voice, focus on it, and nothing more. Please.”</p><p><em>You’re not alone, you’re not there anymore. Breathe.</em> She took a deep breath, but it got caught in her throat and she released it fast.</p><p>“Focus on your breathing. I’m gonna squeeze your hand, I want you to breathe in while I’m squeezing and hold it until I switch hands, and then release it as slowly as you can. I’ll do it with you. I’m here with you. Nothing bad is gonna happen, I promise.” Toni’s words were soft and calm but rushed out of her mouth.</p><p>Shelby inhaled deeply when that warm hand tightened and held it in, her heart slowing. When Toni squeezed her other hand, she released the shaky air as slowly as she could. She swallowed again. The air reached her lungs. Still, she had to fight against the urge to gasp for more and waited instead until Toni switched hands again. <em>You’re not there anymore</em>. Memories from that place still danced in her mind, but less intense now.</p><p>“That’s it. Keep going. You’re ok. I got you.” Toni kept repeating those words while they worked together.</p><p>Toni kept asking her weird questions while guiding her breathing. “Name five things that are green.” “Tell me of a place you always wanted to visit.” It was distracting, she found herself searching for the answers. Whatever she was doing, it was working. Slowly, she felt every inch of her body again, every point of contact with Toni’s warming body. She could see the comforting hands that were guiding her breathing and her room lit by the moonlight. The cool breeze caressed her body, carrying the smell of the ocean with it. <em>Toni must’ve opened the window at some point.</em></p><p>They stayed like that on the floor, swaying softly until her heartbeat slowed. Until the air flowed naturally and free. Until the grip of that invisible force around her throat relented. Now, only resting there waiting for the sadness to come out.</p><p>When the dam broke, she started sobbing. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.”</p><p>Toni moved her body to nurse Shelby’s head against her chest, one hand flying to her hair and the other rounding her waist tightly, her heart beating fast and strong under Shelby’s ear. “Hey, no. Stop. You have nothing to be sorry about. It’s ok. You’re ok. I got you. Please, don’t be sorry. It’s ok.”</p><p>Shelby shut her eyes, her hands balling into fists. How can she be so nice? How can Toni put everything behind to comfort her? <em>I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve her kindness after the way I hurt her. I hurt everyone around me. I don’t deserve this! Why is it so hard? I’m free now, shouldn’t I feel better than this? Why do I feel so lost? Why do I feel so lonely? Why do I have to choose between being who I am and having a family? Between who I am and my religion?</em></p><p>She couldn’t leave the softness of Toni’s chest, as selfish as she felt for it. It was a position she was familiar with. Toni’s now steady and calming heartbeat, comforting her, acting like a beacon for her own heart to follow its pace. Her knuckles were white with the strength she gripped Toni’s shirt, her other hand pinched the skin where her cross used to be. </p><p>Toni kept running her hand through Shelby’s hair. Her cheek rested against Shelby’s head, whispering “It’s ok. I got you” over and over.</p><p>When the sobbing subsided, turning to a few quiet and weak sniffles, Toni squeezed her waist once and leaned forward, bringing Shelby to a sitting position. “Hey, let’s get you outside. Why don’t you wait there, and I’ll go get you something warm to drink?” She got up on her feet and offered a hand to Shelby who immediately missed the warmth and protection Toni offered.</p><p>Shelby shut her eyes again. The fluttering feeling in her stomach battled the guilt she also felt. She took the hand with one of her trembling ones and got up. The room swirled around her for a second and Toni’s arms flew to hers, stabilizing her. After a moment, Toni made her move to the door.</p><p>Her pulse spiked again. “Wait!” It came out louder than she intended.</p><p>Toni turned to look at her with wide eyes, worry written all over her face.</p><p>Shelby bowed her head and squeezed her arm under the sleeve of her t-shirt, embarrassed of what she was about to ask. “Would you stay with me out there for a little while?”</p><p>Toni’s brows pushed together. In her ever-expressive brown eyes, there was so much concern and such intensity, Shelby had to look away. “I know is a lot to ask after what you just did for me. After… everything. I just… I don’t want to be alone right now.” She said in a whisper.</p><p>Toni’s slightly parted lips lifted at the corners creating a shy smile, her dark eyes never leaving Shelby’s face. “I’ll stay for as long as you want, Shelby. You don’t have to ask.”</p><p>They stood there just staring at each other for what it felt like forever, Shelby’s heart pounded for a different reason now.</p><p>After a moment Toni cleared her throat and pointed with her thumb to the door behind her. “It’ll only take a few minutes, and I’ll be back, ok?” She didn’t move an inch until Shelby snapped out of her trance and nodded, leaving the room silently after.</p><p><br/>
********</p><p> </p><p>Shelby sat on one of the sun loungers on the terrace outside her bedroom with her knees hugged to her chest, still feeling that weird energy inside. It was always like that after a panic attack; it left her with stubborn anxiety nested in her body. Shaky hands, her chest aching and her heart beating faster than normal. The waves crashed against the sand on the beach below. The moonlight silver reflection on the rippling water, dimming as the darkest part of the night faded, slowly giving way to the early morning light. It’d only been a few minutes, but Toni still hadn’t come back.</p><p>Her mind worked in overdrive to make sense of what was happening to her. Why those images, buried deep down, appeared out of nowhere now? Why now, when she was finally in the place she wanted to be? And the panic attack? Was that a one-time thing, or just the beginning? A sense of dread filled her body. It was as if she’d had a veil over that time in her life that kept those memories away. The ghost feeling was still there, the panic and the pain remained. But even when she’d tried to piece together what had happened there, she couldn’t see it clearly. Just a few foggy snippets. It was enough to make her run away from those thoughts. That flashback had been way too vivid. It was also the first dream -if it even counted as one- she’d remember about after waking up in over two years. She’d spent three weeks in that place being pressured and tortured into believing that who she was, was an abomination. Not that she’d been a stranger to those thoughts before that, she’d grown up with those views and beliefs ingrained in her.</p><p>The time she’d spent on the island changed the lens through which she looked at the world. It’d gave her a new perspective and pushed her out of her comfort zone, and now there was no way back. She was who she was, even if that couldn’t coexist with other aspects of her life. Even if that placed a huge question mark on her religion.</p><p>She felt abandoned by it, cheated. Alienated by a community, she’d been a part of all her life and without that safe place and hope she’d always found in her faith. She couldn’t make sense of it, it created too much chaos inside. She hadn’t prayed willingly since the first few days in that place. Not because she’d stopped believing in God, her faith was still there, but she couldn’t shake the feeling of that faith being misplaced. It was as if she had to choose between her faith -that also encompassed her family- or who she was. And who she was, was non-negotiable. Not after experiencing the happiness and freedom it brought. That sense of finally being whole, as if everything had clicked in place for the first time in her life. It took her a while to get there, but now there was no turning back. She’d lived inside that bubble away from everything for six months, discovering herself and falling for an amazing, passionate -way too opinionated- and complex girl that’d taught her so much about unconditional love and acceptance. Sometimes she’d envied Toni for how comfortable and confident she was in her own skin, how easily she could speak her mind.</p><p>That was another thing that weighed down on her now. She hadn’t had the chance to talk to Toni yet. It’d been a week since she arrived in LA. She’d spent most of it with the other two, or alone. Toni was clearly avoiding her, always working and coming home extremely late -which Shelby only noticed because Toni’s room was on the other side of the terrace- or even staying the night somewhere else. She’d heard the girls whispering about an Eva, whom she assumed was Toni’s girlfriend, but she didn’t dare to ask. <em>Ignorance is bliss on that subject</em>. It was hard to wrap her head around the fact that the same person who rushed out of the room when Shelby was around, had found her in the middle of a full-blown panic attack and stayed there on the floor with her, helping her through it. Although not surprising. She’d experienced Toni’s secret, softer side on a multitude of occasions. It was one of the things she loved most about the brunette-</p><p>“Here.” Shelby jumped startled, placing a hand on her chest when Toni appeared out of nowhere, standing next to her with a steaming mug in each hand and a blanket under her arm.<em> Jesus! Make some freaking noise!</em> Apparently, it was one of those days she’d come back extremely late, still dressed with the same black ripped jeans, Fleetwood Mac white shirt, and the green bomber jacket she’d left that day carrying. Her wild curls fell freely towards her chest, a few strands floated in the soft breeze.</p><p>Noticing Shelby’s reaction, Toni smiled shyly. “Sorry, didn’t mean to scare you.”</p><p>Shelby shook her head, breathing deeply to calm her rapid heart. “It’s ok. I’m a bit jumpy, I guess.”</p><p>“Here,” Toni passed her the mug, “It’s chamomile, it’s supposed to be relaxing and shit.” She shrugged. “It works for me when I can’t sleep.” After a moment, she leaned closer with a serious expression but playful eyes. “That’s a secret, by the way, if you tell anyone that I’m in fact a 90-year-old grandma, I’ll have to deck you.”</p><p>Shelby smiled. “Kinda knew that already.” She took the mug with shaky hands. “Thank you.” The tea rippled, threatening to spill, so she placed it on the wooden side table next to the lunger.</p><p>Toni bowed her head, rubbing the back of her neck with her free hand, suddenly looking very insecure. “I didn’t know if you were cold, but it gets chilly out here, so... here.” She grabbed the blanket from under her arm, careful not to spill her own drink, and handed it to Shelby.</p><p>That same annoying fluttering feeling mixed with guilt settled on her stomach. <em>So sweet</em>. Not trusting her voice to sound steady, she smiled again and draped the blanket over her legs and brushed her palms over the soft fabric.</p><p>Toni stood there for a second, her gaze set on the empty end of the lunger Shelby was on. She shook her head and turned towards the one on the other side of the table. Plopping down on it, she bent one knee up and placed her own steaming mug on top of it. After a moment she spoke, her voice soft. “Feeling better?”</p><p>Shelby swallowed the lump in her throat. “Not really.”</p><p>“Wanna talk about it?”</p><p>Shelby shook her head. “Just a bad dream, that’s all.”</p><p>Toni gave her a knowing smile biting her lip and looked away nodding. Of course, Toni would see through it, she knew Shelby better than anyone.</p><p>Her chest tightened. She wanted to be honest and open up. Toni had always made her feel comfortable and safe to do so, and she missed those moments with her. She missed <em>her</em> so freaking much. Not that she feared Toni’s reaction, she understood that the anger was directed mostly at her father, not at her that first night. Toni’s anger issues had simmered a long time ago, it was a defense mechanism she used when she felt threatened. Shelby had learned most times that threat came from within, for how intensely Toni felt every single emotion and how much that scared her. And that girl felt so fucking much and so deep, it was beautiful.</p><p>What kept Shelby from talking about it was the fear of revisiting that time and triggering a new panic attack. Also, the embarrassment she felt for putting herself in that situation. For forgetting how much she’d grown into herself on the island, how strong she’d become. It was as if in some way, she’d let Toni down and what their relationship had meant for her.</p><p>The prolonged silence made her anxiety worst. Now that she finally had Toni there, she didn’t know how to approach the hard conversation she’d rehearsed so many times in her head. A conversation that was three years overdue. Maybe it’d be smart to keep things light for now. “How did you…”</p><p>“Find you?” Toni quirked up an eyebrow and rubbed her palm on her jean-clad thigh. “I came home, passed your room on my way to mine, and heard you crying and...” she glanced at Shelby, swallowed, and looked skyward. “Yeah, I just reacted, I didn’t think.”</p><p>
  <em>Didn</em>
  <em>’t think as in ‘I put my guard down for a second but my walls are still firmly in place’ got it.</em>
</p><p>“I know you’re not supposed to touch someone when that shit happens, but I kept calling you and you just... it didn’t reach you so, yeah. Sorry if that made it worst.”</p><p>“No, it helped. You were amazing.” Shelby smiled, hoping it’d reflect how grateful she was for Toni’s actions.</p><p>Toni nodded once and looked away. She leaned further back against the upright backrest, taking a sip of whatever was in her mug, apparently now lost in thought. The shifting sky light hit perfectly her skin making her glow. It highlighted her high cheekbones, the delicate shape of her nose, those pursed lips, and that beautiful mole next to them that always made Shelby weak. She loved waking up a grumpy Toni by peppering that spot with soft kisses.</p><p>Shelby closed her eyes as warmth flooded her body at the memories, immediately followed by regret. <em>I need to talk to her</em>. She sat up, gathering the courage to start the conversation. Shifting her legs to the floor, she faced Toni but kept her mouth shut when she noticed Toni’s somber expression.  </p><p>“I’m no stranger to those fuckers, you know? Used to have ’em all the time growing up. At first always late at night, when I was alone. My mom working late or out on a bender.” She clenched her jaw, her gaze lost somewhere over the horizon. “Sometimes they weren’t that bad and I could control it. Others were so intense and long I couldn’t sleep at all afterwords afraid that it’d happened again. I hated it.”</p><p>It was so rare to hear Toni talk about the darkest parts of her childhood willingly; it surprised Shelby how vulnerable Toni was being now. Everything she’d learned about Toni’s past was through carefully asked questions, to which the other girl always gave vague or short answers before completely closing herself off. There was too much anger and pain associated with her childhood. Now her heart ached, imagining a young version of the strong girl next to her, all alone and scared to death. “I didn’t know that about you.”</p><p>“Yeah, you know I don’t like talking about that shit, but I’ve been working on it. That whole talking helps you heal crap?”</p><p>“Did you tell anyone that you were having them?”</p><p>Toni shook her head, her eyes still locked on that invisible spot. “Nah, I didn’t know what it was, I didn’t have a name for it. All I knew was that it sucked big time. Bernice, Marty’s mom, found me one night. It was right after everything went to hell with my mom. I was crushing there for a few days and one night it happened. She came into the room and help me through it, guiding my breathing and asking me about basketball and other bullshit questions.” She chuckled. “I remember being like, what the fuck, woman? Read the fucking room.” She laughed and Shelby smiled at the sound. It was kinda the same reaction she’d had. “But it worked. And of course, Marty didn’t even flinch. She slept like a fucking log next to me the entire time, the asshole.”</p><p>Shelby smiled again and took a sip of her tea, her body relaxing as the chat progressed. “I’m guessing that’s where you learned that swish trick?”</p><p>“Yeah, it always worked for me after that. Even when I was alone, I just had to play both parts, ask the stupid questions and come up with the answers.”</p><p>“It helped me as well. So… thank you.” Shelby swallowed and met Toni’s eyes. “For that, and for being here now. I know this must be the last thing you’d want to be doing right now-”</p><p>“Look, Shelby. I’m not gonna push you to talk about shit if you don’t want to. I just... I see you. All of you. I know you’re going through a lot right now, and I’m not gonna even pretend to know what that looks like for you. But, it’s ok if you are not ok, you know? You don’t have to pretend and act like everything is sunshine and rainbows. At least not with us. Not with me.”</p><p>Toni’s words made that invisible force grasp her throat again. Her body tensed, trying to hold tight to that rope restraining her emotions, keeping her in control.</p><p>Eventually, the rope slipped from her hands. “I’m just so fucking tired.” Her voice cracked, her vision blurring with fresh tears.<em> God, I</em><em>’m so, so tired. Why is it so damn hard?</em> She shut her eyes, causing silent tears to fall. One hand pressed against her chest rubbing small circles with the heel of her palm trying to ease up the heaviness there. The other clutched the wrinkled fabric of her sweats with a death grip, crushing it, as if in that handful of material lived every thread of her past life, of that perfect persona that repressed and restrained so many pieces of herself just to avoid losing her family, only losing herself in the process. <em>So fucking unfair!</em></p><p>The lounger’s cushion dip next to her. She opened her eyes hesitantly, afraid it’d be just her imagination. Toni had moved to sit there. Her eyes always a dead giveaway. There was so much concern there, but also a turmoil of conflicting emotions that held back the other girl.</p><p>She looked down to Shelby’s fisted hand with a deep frown and rubbed her palm over her jeans a few times before fidgeting with a loose thread there. “Talk to me.” She said softly.</p><p>Shelby released the breath she’d been holding. It was so strange to have someone there to listen after years of silence and pretend happiness. She had to remind herself she didn’t need to play that role anymore, she could be honest about how she felt. “I’m just tired of fighting, that’s all. I feel like I’m in a constant battle with three different parts of me, and no matter what I do, what I chose, I’ll end up losing something. It’s so frustrating, so unfair.” She bit down on her trembling lip and shook her head. “I’ve been stuck in this same fucking spot for the past four years, completely lost, just standing there, frozen in place, watching my life rush past me. I’m sick of it.”</p><p>Toni’s stare burned into her, hanging on to every single word, searching her, asking Shelby to meet her gaze so she could read her better. Shelby kept her eyes locked on Toni’s hand that now gripped firmly her own leg.</p><p>“I guess I got to thinking that once I’d moved here, it’d be better. I’ve dreamed for so long to be here, thinking that’d be enough to live my own life and be happy, and now I’m here, and I just feel so damn sad all the time. So fucking alone.”</p><p>Toni’s hand twitched in her direction, curling her fingers once, before hesitantly covering Shelby’s still balled one. “You’re not alone. We’re here for you. I’m here-”</p><p>Shelby huffed. “You can barely stand to be around me for like five minutes, before rushing out of the room.”</p><p>Toni dropped her hand. “Shelby-”</p><p>“I don’t blame you, Toni. I understand. I know I messed up. I know I’ve hurt you and I’m so sorry, I hate myself for that-”</p><p>“Shelby, it’s cool. Don’t go there, it’s in the past, ok? It doesn’t matter now.” She said, looking down and putting more space between them.</p><p>Shelby studied Toni’s profile. She could see the pain in her expression and the walls coming back up. Shelby couldn’t leave it like that, it was time to put the pieces back together.</p><p>Her heartbeat quickened in anticipation. “It matters to me. And it definitely matters if you hate me ’cause of it.”</p><p>Toni’s head turned towards her. Her mouth ajar and her brows pulled together. “I don’t hate you, Shelby.” She said, her voice laced with emotions, sounding huskier. “Fuck, I could never.” The glassy look in those brown eyes made Shelby swallow hard. Her eyes welled up. “I wished I did. It would’ve hurt a lot less. It would’ve made things easier.”</p><p>“Toni, I’m so sorry! Hurting you was the last thing I wanted, I need you to understand why I did it, I never had the chance to explain-”</p><p>“No, Shelby... You fucking chose not to. I asked you over and over why, and you just hung up on me and blocked my number.” She scoffed. “You could’ve dumped me over text with how little you had to say.”</p><p>Those worlds made a mess of her insides, like a harsh punch to her stomach, sucking the air out of her. She bowed her head, her chin trembling as new salty tears fell. “I just wanted to hear your voice one last time. If I gave you the chance to fight it, you would’ve said two words and I would’ve never been able to let you go, Toni. I loved you so fucking much-”</p><p>“You didn’t love me. That wasn’t real love. It was infatuation. I was in the right place at the right time and I get it, it was a relationship that would only ever exist on that bubble for you, away from your life...”</p><p>Shelby stopped listening, the pounding in her ears drowning the rest. <em>Is she fucking kidding me?</em> She hated when Toni got defensive and dismissive. This time she took it too far. “Would you fucking stop?” Shelby said sharply, her nostrils flaring. “Don’t do that! You know as well as I do just how special what we had was. Don’t fucking downplay it like it meant nothing and don’t you fucking dare to tell me ever again how I felt or how real it was.”</p><p>Toni stared at her with wide eyes full of unshed tears, her lips pressed in a tight line.</p><p>“You meant the world to me, Toni. And if you honestly feel in your heart that I didn’t love you enough, then that’s another thing I need to apologize for, ’cause apparently, I did a poor job showing you just how much I fucking did.”</p><p>Toni swatted a few angry tears from her cheeks. “I... I just don’t get it! I wracked my head trying to find where it all went wrong, but I just can’t see it. How did we go from you moving here to that fucking phone call? What am I not seeing, Shelby? Was it something I did? Wasn’t I enough for you? Was it so fucking easy for you to just push me away like that?”</p><p>“It wasn’t easy! It was one of the hardest decisions I ever made. If you just listen to what I’m saying instead of getting defensive about it, you would’ve realized that by now.” Shelby said in a rush. She drew a deep breath to calm her pounding heart and grabbed Toni’s hand, holding it between hers, not caring one bit if the other girl recoiled from the touch but glad to see that wasn’t the case.</p><p>She searched for Toni’s eyes that observed their joined hands, waiting for those brown eyes to meet green ones before continuing. There was so much self-doubt and pain in Toni’s expression, she fought against the urge to touch those wet cheeks and erase the silent tears that kept spilling. “Listen to me... it wasn’t anything you did, and you were <em>more</em> than enough, Toni. <em>I</em> wasn’t enough... You deserved so much more than what I could’ve ever offered you. It wouldn’t have been fair to drag you into my mess. I was holding on to an ideal. Waiting for something I knew deep down would never come. I kept living in this fantasy world where I didn’t have to choose between losing my family and being me... or loving you, hoping one day that fantasy became a reality.”</p><p>Toni clenched her jaw and closed her eyes, breathing deeply. When she opened them again Shelby saw something softer in there, as if her words were finally reaching the tiny brunette. “Toni, I just couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t do that to you. I was being selfish. God, I felt like an asshole every day after talking with you, planing a future I knew I didn’t have the guts to go after. I couldn’t keep lying to myself about it and leading you on, it would’ve hurt us both so much more.” She squeezed Toni’s hand once. “I wanted you to be happy, and I couldn’t give you that. I just wanted you to be free.” </p><p>After a moment of silence, Toni dropped her gaze to that point of contact and smiled sadly. She squeezed Shelby’s hand once before freeing her own, and murmured, “And I just wanted you.”</p><p>Shelby’s chest tightened at hearing those words and the softness in Toni’s voice. “You wouldn’t have had me. Not all of me, not like that. I was struggling, trying to hold it together until I just... I couldn’t anymore. It would’ve happened eventually, anyway.” She gulped and brushed away the crustiness the dry tears had left from her face, sitting a little taller. “At least I got to say goodbye to you, instead of just disappearing on you as I did to the others, It was only a few weeks after that call that my parents took my phone away. And then <em>I</em> went downhill from there, I tried to get it back, so I could talk to y’all at least to deal with all the news but, I guess they thought it was for the better.”</p><p>Toni huffed and shook her head. “Fuck, Shelby. I know it’s your family, and I’m sorry, but that’s so fucked up. Why didn’t you tell me you were struggling with everything? I could’ve helped you, dammit! Why did you stay there for so fucking long if you were miserable? I’m sure we could’ve-.”</p><p>“Toni,” Shelby grabbed one of Toni’s hands that were balled into fists, interrupting her before the frustration got worst, “I know you don’t want to hear about my family, I know you hate ‘em-”</p><p>“I don’t hate them. I hate what they did to you-” Toni stopped talking when Shelby held an open palm in the air. She didn’t need to hear what came next, she already knew how they all felt about her family. And they only knew half of the things she went through over the past four years. She couldn’t even imagine how would they react if they ever heard the rest of it.</p><p>Shelby sighed. “It’s my family, Toni. No matter what, it’s still my family, the only one I’ll ever have. I just didn’t want to lose ’em.” The heaviness living in her chest intensified as fresh tears threatened to escape.</p><p>“I’m sorry.” Toni grabbed Shelby’s hand and brought it to her lap, immediately brushing her thumb over every inch of skin she could reach. “I shouldn’t have said that.”</p><p>The move made Shelby’s breath caught in her throat. It was something she did to comfort and reassure her, whether Shelby was sad, nervous, or whatever, and it always worked. Shelby had discovered but never brought to Toni’s attention, that she also did it because it helped <em>her</em> whenever <em>she</em> was nervous or insecure.</p><p>Her lips pressed together in a sad smile. <em>Lord, I wish we could go back to that time on the island.</em> She kept her gaze on their joined hands. “It’s ok. I know what y’all think of ’em. I get it. I don’t agree with a lot of things they did. But I know the intention behind it was always to protect me, and as weak as this will make me sound, I don’t hold any of it against ’em. I love ’em despite everything. We were all so close. It wasn’t always like this.” She sniffled and close her eyes, replaying happy memories of her childhood. There were so many to choose from, but now those images just left a bitter taste in her mouth. “I grew up looking up to ’em, especially my father. I’ve always been a daddy’s girl, always following him around and tagging along to wherever he’d go. And I was his entire world. We always had a special connection. God, I admired him so much, and seeing how loved and respected he was by people around town, only made that admiration grow. I wanted to be just like him.”</p><p>She glanced at Toni expecting to find all the signs of suppressed anger, a clenched jaw, hard eyes, but there were non. She had a pained look on her face, her features soft and eyebrows draw together as if she could feel what Shelby felt.</p><p>“I guess, I thought once I got back home, I could gather enough courage to have an honest, open conversation with ‘em, to make ‘em understand it isn’t a choice, that is just who I’m, and be confident enough to have that conversation without it feeling like a confessional. But I knew deep down, that’d never happen. It just goes against everything they know to be true.” She scoffed and shook her head. “Lord, what an irony, to make me gay and a pastor’s daughter. I just wish he’d see there’s nothing wrong with it, it’s just love.” <em>Why can</em><em>’t he just see it? Why do I have to lose ’em? </em>Toni squeezed her hand but remained silent. “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins. Pete 4:8... I guess they have a different interpretation of that verse."</p><p>Toni laughed dryly and looked away. “The church hypocrisy at its finest.” She mumbled under her breath.</p><p>Shelby ignored that. It was something she was also struggling with. Why go into a religious debate with Toni of all people, who always made it clear what she thought about it. Honestly, Shelby had trouble finding arguments to defend Christianity and its interpretation of the bible.</p><p>“It took me a long time to understand that I was free from the way my parents brought me up to be. That I could have my own beliefs and world views, without dealing with the shame and guilt I’d felt before. But it took me even longer to realize that just because my beliefs had changed, it didn’t mean I could change theirs.” She sniffed and with her free hand brushed a few tears away. “It’s not just my father I’m losing, you know? It’s my entire family. My brother and sister, my mom, and my whole extended family. God, I may never see my grandma alive again. It’s not the same moving away when you know you’re welcomed back and you can talk to ’em whenever you want, and to leave home knowing it probably be the last time you’ll ever see or talk to ’em.”</p><p>Toni switched hands, using the one that’d been holding hers to rub soothing circles on Shelby’s back. “I’m sorry, Shelby. No one should have to go through that ’cause of who they are. I hate that shit still happens, it’s the twenty-first century for fuck’s sake.” She huffed and shook her head, surely biting her tongue to stop all the anti-religion arguments Shelby was already familiar with. She drew a long breath before continuing, her voice going back to that raspy softness Shelby loved. “Look, I can’t say I understand everything you just said. Family, it’s a bit of a foreign concept. To me, it’s not blood that defines it. But I get some of it. I forgave a lot of shit from my mother just to have her in my life until I couldn’t look past the bullshit anymore. I just hate to see you hurting ‘cause of it.”</p><p>“It’s fine. I know I’ll be ok. I can feel it, I’ll be ok.” She said, placing an open palm on her chest. “I seem to have a knack for making all the wrong decisions, but this one? I know is the right one. It took me a while to get here, but I’m done pretending. I want to live my life to the fullest and just be happy. Even if that means there’s a chance that I’ll never see my family again. It’s just sad, that’s all.”</p><p>Toni’s touch on her back and hand tightened once before disappearing completely. “I’m glad you’re here now. And I’m sorry for not being around much.” She looked down, her fingers playing with the ripped parts of her jeans. “ I’ll admit it hasn’t been easy for me, seeing you again, it just brought a lot of shit back. A lot of my own insecurities.”</p><p>Shelby knew about her story with Regan and the intermittent presence of Toni’s mother in her life. Toni told her she’d been in and out of the foster care system with her mother battling addiction in a loop of getting clean, getting Toni’s custody back only to fall back into her drug issues until she couldn’t fight it anymore and abandoned Toni completely. And although Toni had never vocalized it, Shelby knew every time that’d happened it only strengthen Toni’s belief of not being worth the trouble. She hated knowing she was part of the long list of people that had aggravated that wound.   </p><p>“I know, I understand that. And again I’m so, so sorry. I hate the way I treated you. You deserved at least an explanation-”</p><p>Toni chuckled. “Yeah, that would’ve been nice, it would’ve saved me from a lot of sleepless nights and headaches, trying to figure shit out.” Her voice laced with emotions Shelby recognized in the smaller girl.</p><p>Turning her body, she sat cross-legged on top of the lounger so she’d face Toni. Unable to help herself, she cupped her cheek softly turning Toni’s bowed face towards her. Toni’s jaw tensed for a second before she leaned into the touch, closing her eyes. She waited for Toni’s eyes to open, brushing her thumb on soft skin once, before dropping her hand. As she’d suspected Toni’s expression was filled with pained self-doubt, her eyes glassy again.</p><p>“Toni, it really wasn’t anything you did. It wasn’t ’cause you weren’t enough for me or ’cause I didn’t love you enough to choose you over my family. It was <em>because</em> I loved you so<em> -</em> fucking - much, that just the thought of hurting you even more killed me. And I know that would’ve happened one way or another.” She looked down, feeling her cheeks burn. “I wasn’t ready to be with you in the real world. Not in the way you deserve, without reservation and excuses, without feeling lost and scared just thinking about holding your hand in public.” Shelby brushed away a single tear from Toni’s cheek with the back of her fingers and smiled softly at her. “You deserve the world, Toni. You deserve to be with someone who isn’t afraid to show everyone how special you are and how proud she is of being with you. You are way too big to be kept a secret.”  </p><p>Toni blushed and slouched forward, clasping her hands between her parted legs. She looked so small, it made Shelby want to wrap her arms around her tiny frame and take the pain she’d caused away.</p><p>“It’s cool, Shelby. I understand. I’d never force you or anyone to be someone they’re not ready to be. I just wish you would’ve told me. I wish you would’ve given me the chance to be there for you, even if only as your friend.”</p><p>Shelby’s stomach flipped. She wet her lips, choosing carefully her next words, and braced herself for a possible rejection. “You think that maybe... we can leave everything behind and... and try to be friends? ’Cause I- I really missed my best friend.”</p><p>Shelby saw more than heard the little gasp Toni let out, before quickly looking down, worrying her bottom lip between her teeth. When their eyes met again, Toni’s gave the unspoken answer away. “I can’t make any promises... but, I think I’d like that, yeah.” She said, with an honest smile that reached her eyes.</p><p>Shelby released the breath she didn’t know she was holding and smiled back. “Thank you. It means a lot.”</p><p>Toni nodded once and after a moment of hesitation, she spoke again. “I don’t want you to feel alone, Shelby, ’cause you’re not. We’re here for you. Please, let us help you with whatever we can.”</p><p>“I think I need to go back to therapy. I don’t wanna wait until what happened earlier, gets even worse. That was the first panic attack I had in a long time. I can’t go back to that. And I feel terrible taking y’all up on that offer to lend me money, but I’ll pay y’all back as soon as I can.”</p><p>“It’s just money, you don’t have to pay anything back. If you want, I can help you find a therapist. There are a lot of pretty cool ones here that work with LGBTQAI+ folks-”</p><p>Shelby chuckled, her eyes wide and the heat back in her face. “Lord, that’s a lot of letters, I guess I’ve got a lot of work to do in that department as well.”</p><p>“Well, you’re in the right place for it. LA it’s a very diverse, liberal city, you’ll see people from every walk of life here. Of course, you can always talk to me, or Fatin or Nora,” she laughed, “fuck even Marty can give you a lesson or two.”</p><p>Shelby gulped. “I’ll keep that in mind.”</p><p>Over the past week, she’d talked to the rest of the girls on the phone -ironically she was using Toni’s old iPhone- after Dottie and Fatin suggested they’d give the others a heads up first, so she wouldn’t have to repeat herself over and over. She’d apologized and although they all understood and even checked up on her after that, she felt like an outsider within the group. They all had stayed in touch and became even closer over the last four years. They had a text group -Shelby, the newest member- they talked constantly; they visited each other and had a monthly sacred game night through a video call. That last one was just around the corner and just the thought of talking to all of them at the same time, and seeing their faces again made a mess of her insides.</p><p>Toni stretched like a cat beside her, yawning loudly and triggering Shelby’s yawn. She closed her eyes for a second and stretched her back, releasing all the tension there. All the anxiety and adrenaline had left her body, and now she felt calm but exhausted. She could probably sleep for three days straight, giving her mind the time and space to clean itself.</p><p>The sun was already rising behind them. She could see over the house the shades of pink and orange reflecting on the windows. At least Shelby had slept a few hours, but Toni had found her after a night out and she doubted that outing had involved any sleep at all. “God, Toni, I’m so sorry. You must be exhausted. You should go to bed.”</p><p>Toni was mid-yawn again, her eyes watering. She shook her face and rolled her shoulders back. “It’s ok. I can sleep late tomorrow,” she looked at the lighter sky and cringed, “or today actually. More importantly, how are you feeling now? You look better.”</p><p>Shelby smiled. “Yeah, I think that chamomile tea of yours finally kicked in.”</p><p>Toni chuckled. “You sure?”</p><p>“Yeah, thank you for tonight. For helping me, for staying, and for listening to what I had to say.” After a moment of silence, Shelby rolled her eyes playfully and added, “and for the magic tea, of course.”</p><p>Toni laughed again. “Told you, it works.” She stretched her back again and stood up, turning to face Shelby. “All right then, bedtime?”</p><p>“You go ahead, I’m gonna stay here for a few minutes.”</p><p>Toni’s brows furrowed. “You sure you’re ok? I mean, I can stay, I don’t mind.”</p><p>“I’m sure. I promise I’ll go to bed soon.” She looked to the beach below. The sky colors reflected on the water, the seagulls glided over it and the waves crushed peacefully, leaving a soft white foam to vanish in the sand. “It’s a beautiful view.” She murmured and smiled.</p><p>When she looked back at Toni, she was met with wistful eyes and a soft smile. “Yeah, it is.”</p><p>That made her stomach feel as if a tiny seagull was suddenly trapped there, flapping its wings restlessly, trying to get out. She swallowed hard and stood up. Finally, giving in to what she’d wanted since arriving in LA, she grabbed Toni’s jacket and pulled her in, wrapping her arms around her shoulders tightly and feeling the tiny brunette go stiff as a board against her, before relaxing into the embrace and circling shy arms around Shelby’s waist. <em>God, she smells amazing, like freshly cut grass after a rainy day of spring. I missed this so much! </em>Her eyes welled up again. She shut them to prevent the tears to fall. She had a lot of hard work ahead to earn Toni’s trust. She knew it’d be a tough task to accomplish, but she was more than ready to put in the hours to mend whatever she could of their relationship. She’d do anything to prove to the girl just how worthy of love she truly was.</p><p>She squeezed Toni’s shoulders and let her go. <em>Step one, control your impulses for once in your life around her, respect her space and let her set the pace. </em>Toni’s looked down. With a deep frown, she took a step back and glanced at Shelby, giving her a tight smile. “Night, Shelby.” Her voice coming out lower and huskier than usual. She turned and strode towards her room, sliding open the side window and disappearing behind the blackout curtains.</p><p>“Night, Toni.” Shelby murmured into the air-filled space the girl who still owned her heart had left.</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Sorry, it took me forever to write this. It was super long and I just couldn't get into that headspace. These last few weeks have been filled with horrible anxiety. That description of Shelby bolting up from bed gasping for air, it's written out of my own experiences with panic attacks and anxiety. So If you're dealing with the same shit. Know you're not alone. Much love to every single one of you!!!</p><p>And as always, tell me what you think of this chapter and the story. I love reading your comments!</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>♥ If you liked it, don't forget to say hi.♥<br/>☺ If you didn't like it, let me know how can I improve, and say hi anyway ☺</p></blockquote></div></div>
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